I've calculated a theory or two.

I didn't feel guilty, I wasn't scared of being found out, and even if I was... wouldn't I have felt that was back in the day when I was a kid?

And I thought that, maybe it was because I didn't like him - romantically.
But then again, only two out of the like ten other guys I've been with (over an almost ten year span) have I had a crush on, and with one of them, nothing ever happened. So, I don't know. I still find a lot of guys - and some boys attractive. Mostly 13+ though. I don't know, I keep thinking about 'well what if I had them' but recently I have had a sexual experience - and nothing about it really felt good. It's just strange. Like at one point, I was basically drowning in the vice of sexual pleasure, and now - only my left hand can please me.

I don't get it. At least once in my life I want to have a sexual relationship with another adult that I enjoy. Whether that be male or female. The thing is, I've only ever gone out of my way to make a friend once, and it didn't end well. So I don't ever have high hopes of finally finding a girl who I'm like "HOLY SHIT, WHERE HAS SHE BEEN?" And I'm not talking about how she looks, I want a girl-friend. I mean that word literally, I want a girl who like to play video games like I do, play the same ones I do. Like the same shows I do. Basically a female best friend that I've just never had before. It's like - something I want to do before I die, but I have little to no faith at all that it will happen.