u sound like a typical 20 some year old guy...seriously lots of other people going through exactly what ur going through. yes being a boylover makes things tougher but this whole almost identity crisis and not knowing what to do with ur life is very common because for the first time ur faced with reality and also full responsibility for where your life is going.

my belief is that it takes a person to get to a crisis mode like u are in now for there to be any real change because for the most part people are resistant to change. what will likely happen is, if u dont kill urself (which some people do) and survive this, u will eventually find a way of life that u'll be satisfied with for many years....until ur next great crisis.

so be patient, hang in there, and as the costs of stubborness and inaction mount, u will be more willing to try things out that u likely wouldve never thought about and these new things will eventually become part of the balance of your new life.