Maybe I need to stop using the world normal - and replace it with the phrase 'at peace.' Some people appear to be 'at peace' and some people actually are 'at peace'. I am not 'at peace'. My best friend, whom I hold dearly, has struggled through things amongst the years, and yet: it has never controlled him. At one point, he was one of the people I was casually masturbating with as a kid, which escalated to oral sex - but, it never, kept him down. And at one point, he said, that's enough, he's gotta stop it and move on. I felt so overly empty that day - i thought we had something in common, when we really didn't. I loved every moment, EVER aspect of our sexual encounters, I enjoyed giving as well as getting, but he was just in it for his share - sure, not every single moment of our friendship was surrounded by that - outside of 'bedtime' we where just normal kids who liked tv and video games. But to him it was just something silly he did as a kid - to me it was, so much more. And it still is, I guess. But it has never come back to bite him, he told me, and I believe him, it does not hold him down, he's in a wonderful relationship with a girl whom I respect. They both are VERY smart with their relationship - and that's that. He's happy, living life day to day. And I'm not. He's at peace. And I want that.

And to Eldad, pastors around my general area, tend to be - well, i can't really say too much, they are not the people I feel are equipped to deal with the issues I bring to the table. They are all leaders of a common church which I steer directly clear of.