I hesitate to say it isn't normal, because what does 'normal' mean anyway? But I think the real question is whether feeling that way is something you should accept, and I believe the answer is no. Many of us lead happy lives with no thoughts of suicide, and others who once had such thoughts in the past have overcome them and are now leading fulfilling lives. Therefore, I don't believe you should be settling for such a painful existence when there are obviously better ways.

I am not a mental health professional, but it seems obvious that you are having a difficult time accepting your feelings. Once you figure out who and what you are and you learn to accept it, I think you will feel a lot better. Having a forum like this one in which to express yourself might be of help.

Being that you have turned to substance abuse and suicide attempts, I think the problem is serious enough that you need to start looking for professional help. I would highly recommend that you find a good mental health professional in your area who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy and who can provide you with any prescriptions you might need to help control the depression until you can overcome it.