my main frustration with the boys im friends is i dont feel like im a big part of their lives. i mean they generally think im cool to hang out with but i want to feel like im their world. partly thats because im egocentric but also i know my calling in life is to do stuff for boys...to make a really big impact in their lives. if i could do that, i would feel fulfilled in life. all my relationships with boys though are/have been generally fairly shallow. i mean they talk to me about whatever interests them, which most of the time i couldnt care less about, but i dont feel like im changing the world...u know what i mean?

it really sucks that i finally know what im supposed to do in life and i know what would bring me so much joy and fulfillment but i cant really do it. all i have are a bunch of shallow meaningless relationships...so frustrating and it's the main reason i act out and sabotage these relationships.