I was where you are just a couple of months ago. The only way I could get out of it was to accept that God wasn't going to change me. I have begged and begged and prayed and prayed. No change. This had me very frustrated and suicidal.
I ask you to consider this one thing. Just what if God wants you this way AND it doesn't have to hurt so much.
God has shown me a way for this to be. If you want details just ask.
Plus, God loves you no matter how angry, scared, sinful, dissapointed, or suicidal you are... He loves you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will comfort and strengthen you no matter what you choose.
Love in Christ