I just hate to see you suffering like this clolibre. I can see how you are one of those guys who thinks everything through but I also see that you try to do it all on your own. I've been the same. Look for anyone you can to talk to. Try to find someone who you respect and talk all of this through with them: shout it through with them and argue it over. (Did I say that before?) If you are at college or uni then you must be surrounded by people:there must be one there among them you can trust enough.
Wishing you all the best. ng