A couple of weeks ago I pretty much had the worst day on my life. On top of ongoing problems I have absolutely no control over that would drive a lesser man to alcoholism/drugs/murder(I'm not kidding)/insanity/etc., and my BL problems, I had a truly wretched day at work and I was thinking as I got home "O.K. so life sucks. I already know. Thank God for the internet, at least I can talk to people at cblf and other messageboards I frequent and the day won't be a total waste. I sat down, turned on the computer and waited for redemption. I was greeted with a "YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN INFECTED" in humongous letters as my PC shut down and expired. I thought "O.K. this isn't the first time (my brother uses Limewire addictively), I'll try to fix it tomorrow but I gotta work in the morning, so I'll ask me bro to go get certain things I need for it to work again, and I'll do it when I get home". So I go ask my mum if she can tell him (he wasn't home) this-and-that-and-it-was-his-fault-probably-anyway and she says "don't bother, since you're moving soon and taking the computer with you he won't want to help".

And I just take it all in. Calm myself down before I start breaking things (hasn't happened yet, but all my life I've been just on the edge of it). I go to my room and put on my 'sad day YF mixtape' the one fashioned for just such an occasion and go to bed, expecting to have the cry of the year.

I start thinking about my long-lost YF and how much my heart aches to be beside him, to hear his voice. The music mixes in with cherished memories and it's like he's there in from of me, I can almost smell the sweet scent of his skin. He always made me feel better no matter what was falling all around me, no matter how much my life was crumbling, he always made me smile. At that moment I start weeping like that first time I had whisky and gulped more that I ever will again, I start convulsing with sobs and raise my voice at God "because I don't deserve this. I'm not that bad. What's your problem? Why has NOTHING (and I really mean NOTHING, it's a sad story) EVER WORKED?? HUH?? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU NEVER ANSWER!!! All my dreams have been destroyed, but I keep going, I resign myself to live an unfulfilled life, and I think that's the end of it, but NO!! You have to bring him to me, you know I'll love him more than I ever knew was possible, and then you TAKE HIM AWAY. You know very well all I ever wanted, all I had left to look forward to in this life was to love him, and to be with him, but of course, I CAN'T. What do you want? What do you want me to do? To believe? Believe in WHAT? Everytime I read the book all it leads me to think is to expect bodily death and the life to come, that all this material business is worthless".

And then it hits me. I see in my mind Jesus beside me, giving me a look of the purest, strongest love I've ever felt. I can feel God almost literally saying "I know how much you love him. But you (or anyone) will never love another person as much as I love YOU (and everyone else on the planet). I died for you. You think this is the most pain you can bear? Here, let me make it better".

And I've felt better ever since. Technically my life still 'sucks' and yeah, there's been a couple bad days since, but it hasn't gotten to me. I dunno...I feel like God's YF.