while I don't have it quite as bad as you, it caught my attention that you used the word 'mourning'. That's exactly what I feel. I don't think I'd consciously realized it was happening until you brought it up (and so viscerally I cringed a little in recognition of the feeling).

I suppose those wounds really run that deep. Since parting from my YF I've almost gone out of my way NOT to befriend any boy I've had a chance to get close to (and I've had several), putting up a front calculated to be unnapealing to him, even as I'd like nothing more than to break free and show what a great time we'd have if I gave it a chance. While my instinct/nature tells me to do the BL thing, I've found it really painful to be close to a boy that interests me.

It's the two feelings you described, but simultaneously, the good with the bad. I'm still in awe and feel the overwhelming beauty of such a creation on so many levels, but also a instant dark sinking feeling and unbelievable sadness.

I think it's helpful to try to find the root of the emotion. IDK how much self-analisys you've done if any regarding why you're attracted to boys, but I found in my own case it cleared up 90% of the emotional tangles (cleared up the workings of my heart/brain, not the problems themselves). If you know WHY you used to react in a good way, it'll probably also reveal why you react so negatively now.

I could go into personal detail, but I'll leave it up to your request since: 1. I don't know how much you already know about yourself in that sense. 2. My stories tend to be looooong. 3. I don't know how much my personal experience would actually help you.

Look hard inside...you might be surprised what you find.