I woke up today and rushed to the computer intending to start a new thread about what happened to me last night, only to find the theme's already up in the air...synchonicity?

I was feeling very fragile last night, with Christmas Eve and the inevitable old memories. Same thing that always happens: memory trigger, "I miss him soo much!", unbearable sadness, a couple dark hours, going through photos worth their weight in gold, eventually acceptance and "life goes on".

After the little episode, I went on Facebook. Recently joined and barely adding contacts (hey! found my biological dad!). It seems my YF doesn't have one, he's got a myspace he NEVER updates, so I barely know what he looks like now, and we rarely communicate anymore.

But I did find on Facebook his mom's account (yes, I know, feel slightly ashamed) and to my surprise, she's got literally hundreds of pictures of him. I was exhilarated, but as I saw his 'present' self more and more my fiercely cherished old image of him began to fade away. He's changed so much in these last years. He looks happy, for a change. The more I 'investigated' I found out his family seems to be finally stable, his baseball dreams are starting to become small realities, and he's all grown up! Well, he's still 16, but it's a quantum leap from the adorable melodious angel he was to me. And he's beautiful, in a manly way I can't quite explain.

I came away feeling, for some reason, 'proud' of him, even if I had nothing to do with his recent development. I just got this overwhelming feeling of warmth, of well-being. Then I realized: He doesn't need me. Not anymore.

When we were together his eyes had the most haunting, heartbreaking look I've ever seen. His family was a mess. His brother beat him up. He barely tolerated his stepdad, and his mom was too busy with three small kids to even look at him. He came to me, not I to him. For attention, for acceptance, and I felt he needed me; not necessarily exclusively 'me', but I was the one there, willing, and it worked.

But he doesn't need me anymore, and I think that makes me happier than carrying his 'holy' image everywhere with me.

On top of all that, while on Facebook, another young friend, who was the other neighbor (my younger brother's friend, practically lived at our house, loads of good times) started chatting with me and without persuasion started telling me how he misses the old days when we were all together, how there was nothing quite like then, and when are we going to visit?

I don't really think there are coincidences. Sometimes I picture God sort of putting the puzzle pieces together, but in His time, and a lot of them we can't really understand why this-or-that had to happen.

Some Christmas!