"too many 'if only's' here youth.
deal in what IS rather than what MIGHT be or SHOULD be.
don't worry about gouging out any eyes just for the moment.
two might come in handy later on even if you can't use them at the moment.
deal with one problem at a time and stop being so melodramatic.
what exactly is it that goes beyond prayer and bible reading exactly?
What kind of God do you actually believe in anyway?
If you need structure in your life: build it! Noone else can build it for you."

first: melodramatic: exaggerated and emotional or sentimental; sensational or sensationalized; overdramatic.

Fine, I'll play it your way - but it's gonna hurt.
What is.
..........
What is - is my life is in shambles - going nowhere. That IS what is.
Praying and reading the bible doesn't mean anything if I believe in God and not in myself. What kind of God do I believe in? A delicate creator who wants to see his creations obey and do good. Now why he'd let one of his creations - with so much potential wither away inside a bedroom - is beyond be, but it's not my place to question, really. A graceful, forgiving God. And that last line - hands down - is the stupidest thing I've seen typed in a while. Build a job? Build employment. Build money to be able to travel to an area that MIGHT have a job? Build what exactly? I get the feeling your one of those people ON THE OTHER SIDE of the wall I'm trying to scale - the thing is - someone else helped you over the wall and you've forgotten how hard it is. Or - you never where on my side of the wall. I see people who are doing drugs, have casual sex - and THEY get jobs. Here I am - with a few bad habits, scars and disreguards, and a handful of complaints I can't do anything about. I KNOW the path out of here - I couldn't tell you for how long I 'prayed' and 'read the bible' but that doesn't mean - tomorrow some random guy calls me and offers me employment - AND INCASE YOU THINK I'M OVER REACTING, OR MILKING IT OUT - YOUR WRONG. I've been quite calm about this for some time now - I mean - damn - how long has it been since I started posting here? But it's almost summer again - and I've been sitting in my house, unemployed for two years - so hell yes - it bothers me. Being stuck in my house, with no job and a porn addictions YES - it bothers me. Every day going by knowing I'm a piece of shit - and can't enjoy the most -enjoyable- of things, BOTHERS me. I don't post to get pity - I also don't post to have my story dismissed - I post just to get it out of there because I know what bottling up can do to people. And i'm thinking - maybe this will help somehow - but now, I'm not so sure.