par·a·gon - a model or pattern of excellence or of a particular excellence.

ren·e·gade - a person who deserts a party or cause for another.

You know, I used to play this game, and in this game, you would either be a paragon or renegade, due to your actions. During a conversation, you would notice a blue icon (paragon) or a red icon (renegade) a certain parts, and renegade would end in a selfish or cruel act, and paragon would end in a righteous, selfless act. Ever since this video game, I notice these icons I spoke of.

Recently, one of the three major males I 'sexplored' with (bare with me on that term :P) gave me a call. You have to understand, it's been 7 years since we where ever sexually active, and beyond that - 3 years since we've even said two words to each other, nothing out of bad beef or anything, we just both ended up going our separate ways. He's made a lot of mistakes, he's only a few days younger then me, and he has a child. And he lives with the mother, he calls 'wife' even though they are not legally married. The occasion of the phone call was, he was at a fork in the road, I was the only male he had sexual activity with, but it had stuck with him all this time. In a nutshell, he wanted to meet up and have sex. Blunt, I know, and quite frightening to be honest. But he didn't want to marry said woman, knowing he wanted something else, he needed to know if it was just a longing to be a child again (as he works 12 hour days to pay for his child, and he's not even 20 years old) or if it was something real. Of course, yeah, i like men, and i like sex. But... anyway, i invited him over the other night when I had the house to myself, I was expecting something to 'go down' (me going down on him lololol sorry, joking :P) and when he came in, he went out on the back porch to smoke, and I instantly saw the blue icon. The red icon had been lingering since he pulled into the drive way. I couldn't hit the red one if i wanted too. We talked it out, and i sent him home. I actually found out he's a girl lover o.O odd, but of course, i'm in NO position to judge.

Jist of the story, it's nice to know after all the turmoil and annoyance, and hardship, something is still there, and I'm not calling the shots.