Not any more, but I did at one point. I think the source of all of these internal conflicts is a failure to understand and accept who you are. As you grow to accept yourself and as you come to understand what you are and what you are not, these feelings will subside. The trick is in how to attain that understanding and acceptance. I have known people for whom such acceptance came easily, and I know others who many years later, still have not achieved it. There also seems to be no "trick" that works for everyone.

For me, the most critical juncture in accepting who I am, was when I finally met some of my BL friends in person for the first time. I found the experience of being amongst people who were just like me very liberating. It helped me to really feel in my heart what I already knew intellectually, that we are just like everyone else.

Nowadays, it is quite the opposite of what you describe. I am at my happiest when I am at church or involved in church or service related activities. Those times when I am worshiping God, serving, or just in fellowship, rank right up there with the time spent with my YF as the highlights of my week. The days in between are dull by comparison.

I wish there was some trick I could tell you that would automagically bring you out of the phase you are at. But I haven't found such a trick yet. It seems like it is a process. Lucky for you though, it also appears that the process begins with understanding who you are and you have found a good place to help you do that.