Hi all. I'm back on the internets after a long (stupid computer!!!) absence.

I've recently started attending a new church along with my family. It seems (so far so good) that this is THE place for us. I've never felt so comfortable, uplifted, instructed; it's as if the people there actually care about us (gasp!). The pastor's taken a real interest. He gives counseling to my parents (they NEED it), and he just seems genuinely interested in making our lives better, getting us out of the deep deep hole we've been in for so many years.

I've been having lunch with him once a week. Usual stuff: life goals, right direction, "so why do you think you're so unhappy?", "oh, y'know, pastor, I needed a father", etc. I've actually been making good progress in certain areas, but everytime we met I felt a bit hypocritical for not being able to tell him what I really want to talk about: YF.

so I start having these elaborate cimenatographic dreams, usually connected to each other and to recent events and spiritual influences (that's about as concise as I can describe THAT) all topped off by recent reestablished communication with my YF via texting. I'm thinking 'okay, this is getting weird'. After 3 years of nearly total silence my YF and I are talking again, once or twice a week. My life seems to be getting back together. I'm writing music again (more on that some other time). Finally found a 'good' church. Finally getting back to God.

And then something happened. I was having one of those heavy days when no matter how much you reassure yourself and try to stop it you keep yearning for the YF and the perfect good old times, and you go to bed really early, put on sad music, cry a good deal and fall asleep. I thought that would be the end of it. I texted my YF while in bed with the music. I was gonna tell him some really stupid (doh!) things, but he never answered. So I got even sadder. Then I fell asleep. It was only 7:30ish.

I had a dream where I was a boy again. I was playing with friends, things happened, conflicts got resolved (it was actually pretty funny but anyway...). It was almost normal except even though I was a kid, I knew somehow that this wasn't the 'present' me. I knew it wasn't real, it was some sort wish fulfillment dream, where I could be with boys without feeling self-counscious. I think when I realized that, it ended, and it switched into this grim scenario where a train passed by and killed some people (presumably my friends. no one else was around) and I was left by myself on a grassy plain surrounded by hills. (Now, to understand the next part you gotta bear with me, I need to explain certain things first: When I was really young I used to have dreams where I was in a place I'd never seen before, and then years later I would BE there in real life. It was very eerie but eventually I got used to it. I also used to have this recurring dream of a green hill with 3 beautiful white buildings, the center one being an amazingly well designed church, just stunningly crafted. The dream led nowhere, though. It would just be there once in a while and reappear periodically throughout my childhood, until I hit puberty. Pretty much all my wonky dreams stopped when I was about 13.) Sooo...after the train killed people and I was left by myself standing on a deep dark grassy plain surrounded by hills...guess what appears?
About 10 years after I had absolutely no recollection of them, the 3 white buildings were there, on top of one of the hills. I stood there in disbelief and awe, as the memory came back. My legs gave out and I fell on my side, curled up in the fetal position, as what I can only describe as the Holy Spirit came down on me. I started shaking uncontrollably as an intense warmth filled me. I was pretty much out when guess what happens?
Back in the material world my cell phone rang and woke me up. It was my YF. He had a baseball game earlier so he didn't get a chance to reply. I was sweating and smiling. It was pretty late for a real conversation so I just told him that God loved him more than he could ever imagine and said goodnight.
There, lying in bed, I had an amazing feeling that God picked me to bring my YF closer to Him. Maybe it really DID all happen for a reason, though I'd stopped believing it because of the personal pain involved. I coulnd't bear the thought of my beloved YF suffering in hell for his sins when he could have turned away from them and embraced the saviour and eternal life.
So I'd been looking at this relationship completely the wrong way. No wonder i was all messed up. I was mourning for the loss of my innocence before I met him, then we had a couple of idyllic years together where I thought I was all restored -until I moved away and started mourning the both the loss of HIS innocence and our relationship. oy.

To drive the whole thing home, just in case I started feeling silly about the dreams and doubted: the next day was sunday, and we had some people who were passing by the state come preach about how this generation is "the fatherless generation". How the church can be the family, the mothers and fathers, of those who grew up without them, or who were damaged by them. Then it really hit me. What I really wanted was to be his dad. Wait a minute, now it all makes sense...and I thought I was in love with him! Well, I am, but not that kind.
I meet this boy, who was abandoned by his biological father. Neglected and (everybody found out later) sexually abused by his stepfather. His mom's too busy with 3 other little kids and a full-time job to pay any attention to him. He looks miserable. His big brother beats him up. Is it little wonder that he drew close to me? I was there. I paid attention. I grew up in a very similar situation and saw the signs. So I wanted to protect him...from turning into ME! Holy smokes! Eureka! That's what it was all about. But I had to move away...I suppose God knows why it had to be that way. But I think I still have a job to do. I have to make sure he finds what he really needs. We all know what that is: "C"blf (cough!).

Oh. yeah. So I just had to tell the pastor. I think he was very moved. Said I have a heart for others.