I thought a lot about this today. The concept of grooming is really an immensely complex issue going, as I think it does, so near to the heart of what makes us human. At that point, if one has faith, it then spills over into theology.
The first problem with the word 'grooming' is that it sounds like something a person 'does', in the way you groom a horse. You have a plan, you get a comb and you groom the horse. So the word is misleading from the start. The first thing I noticed when I was on the course was that some of the guys (maybe all) had an immense problem with saying no. One young guy (lets call him Paul, who had been sentenced for having sex with a 14 year old, said yes to absolutely everything he was asked, and I was astonished that the course leaders not only allowed him to do this repeatedly but also used his poor understanding of their questions against him in an abusive way. When he was on the verge of confessing to having raped her I could stand it no longer and pointed out that the guy was not understanding their questions in the first place. But, just as Paul did not understand their questions, nor could he have understood what was happening that day when this very attractive young girl came into his flat with her friend, asked him for some of the beer that was on his table (he was watching telly) and sat down next to him and chatted with him. When her friend left, she stayed, by which time they were both fairly drunk. It's difficult to know who made the first pass (he couldnt tell) but they ended up having sex and she went off and ended up telling her mum.
The grooming that Paul(he was 21) was doing was not a series of plans. He clearly had no initial intention of having sex with this girl. The crime happened because he wasnt strong enough or intelligent enough to be able to recognise the signs and say no. He should have said no to the pair coming into the flat. He should have said no to the beer being drunk. He should have said no to her sitting next to him on the couch. He should have said no to the friend leaving them alone. He should have said no to the pass (if it was her, which was very probable: the guy was so vulnerable in every way) and he should have said no to them having sex. This was a man who found it hard to say no to anything let alone a pretty young girl sitting down beside him on the couch at the end of an evening's drinking.
Then I realised that this was indeed my problem too: I too find it hard to say no to anything. 'Would you like a cup of tea?' 'yes please'. 'Would you like second helpings?' 'yes please'. 'Would you like to come and work in . . . . . .?' 'yes please'. 'Would you like to buy a computer?' 'yes please.' 'Would you like to have a look at some gorgeous pictures?' 'yes please'. BANG
Grooming is less something that the person DOES - more something that he allows to happen. My guess is that the prisons are full of people who were unable - through lack of intelligence and moral strength - to say NO when it really mattered.
The saying 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' is horribly true. Through any series of events we have choices. If we are aware that there IS a choice then we can MAKE that choice. If we are not aware of this then how can we make the choice? This guy would not have been aware that he had choices because he wasnt clever enough.
In order to learn to say no we have to have people in our lives who teach us how to do this. It's no coincidence that the vast majority of people in prison come from families who have no discipline. Discipline is really simply learning the ability to say NO in the right context - from a dad or a seargeant-major or from a strict mum or from any authority figure who cares enough to ensure that the NO is meant and fair. When it comes to the police saying no, of course, it can be said to be way too late already.
But, for me, my conviction was a theological breakthrough anyway because it transformed my relationship with 'society' as a whole: it broke it and I became an exile. Through the course though, I was able to identify with the sufferings and limitations of my fellow offenders there in that stuffy little room and, above all, I was then able to discern in my own life how evil things actually happen -not because one makes decisions but because one DOESNT. I learnt how important it is to 'know and recognise the enemy'.
I've never actually seen it this way but I met Christ in that room in a way I hadn't before. This is now way off-topic. To summarise then, I think the word 'grooming' is deeply misleading and only contributes to the false perceptions that society already has of what a sexual offence actually is and how it happens except in the more violent cases which are mercifully so rare.