That's the part I was thinking about. I have one YF who is now married and is living a seemingly normal life in love with his wife. Of course that makes me happy for him, but then when I compare his life as an adult to my life as an adult, especially when I was around his age, I think of how he has gotten past the things I still battle with. Yes, we still keep in touch and he'll still write me emails and call me out of the blue, but really, he's gotten past our relationship -- the relationship that I invested SO MUCH of my time into. To him, it's done. To me, I still cherish a lot of that time -- which means I'm still investing (wasting?) my time on it. And that's what makes it bittersweet to me, as a boylover -- the amount of time I put into it... too much time spent making my life revolve around his, too much time thinking about him, etc. Yes, the end result was good, but did it really need all the time I put into it?

The other part, as a Christian boylover, that I find bittersweet is that this same YF is now an evangelist of sorts, doing street ministry, going to other countries, and even preaching and teaching. Praise God, right? Look what he's doing with his life. But yet again, I look at myself... and even though I've done and still do a lot of work in Christian ministries, I see how strong of a Christian he is at his age and then I look at myself. It's bittersweet. I mean yeah, there were some great "boylove moments" as you say, and yeah, look how he turned out. But, also, look at all the time we spend on being a "boylover" (the good AND the bad) that takes away from all the time we probably otherwise could be spending on other things that could bring glory to God (outside of our mentoring role as Christian boylovers, etc).

Without most of you knowing me, it's hard to put this into words without some of you thinking I'm saying something different, but I guess what I find most bittersweet about this whole thing is that even though we do (and have done) a lot of good, I also think we spend too much time being "boylovers" and not enough time being "Christian".

"So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom" (Psalm 90:12).

At least for myself, and maybe I am just speaking for myself, this bittersweet feeling has taught me to go less on the bitter and more on the sweet by focusing more on what comes first in being a "Christian boylover" -- and what comes first? "Christian" -- being a Christian.

That's also why a lot of you don't see me as much as you used to. It is tough being in a Christian Boylove forum day after day or week after week. For me, I start owning this "boylove" part of myself as if it is something I am -- like putting a rainbow-colored "I am gay" bumper sticker on the back of your car. Am I going to own this "boylove" part of me so much that I start putting that triangle-in-a-triangle logo on things? Am I to be defined by my attractions? Well, if so, then what comes first? Maybe that "I love Jesus" bumper sticker would be more fitting. Yes, I believe so. "Jesus is Lord." Yeah, being a boylover (depending upon how you define it) could "save" a young man's life, but being a Christian... now we're talking about a whole new kind of salvation... eternal salvation. That's what comes first, right?

Christian boylover. It's not a contradiction when lived out correctly.

Peace