There was a congregation get-together at the park today after church. I went almost grudgingly, expecting the usual small talk (which I can't stand) and the kind of boring, polite etc couple hours of 'people time' I usually go out of my way to avoid (this is probably where the Asperger's kicks in!).

There was a lot of good food. Surprisingly, the small talk was fun and lively (IMO our pastor would make a good comedian), though I still couldn't take more than a certain amount, so I went for a little walk by the creek hoping that my social behaviour would come back after a break. When I got back, they'd started playing volleyball and asked me to join in, so I did. We did a few rounds, nothing spectacular, I was starting to get sort of interested (I can get extremely competitive if in the right mood).

Then a boy I'd never seen before, about 11 joined in (a beautiful one, too!) and almost instantly I started closing up. Became self-conscious and everything, but tried ignoring it, without luck for a while, until guess what(?) it went away, and what do you know!: I started interacting (gasp!!).

I haven't really interacted with a boy (much less a really beautiful one) for something like 4 years, and this was very strange, in a good way.

All these years I've been longing for a YF, but thinking twice before I even LOOKED at a boy. Isolating myself from people in general, retreating into myself, and becoming more cynical, contemptuous, slightly bitter, and rather hopeless.

What I found amazing was how quickly I started to 'loosen up' just by being around this kid. I caught myself smiling much more than usual, the 'normal' self-consciousness I have around people was all gone, I even started showing-off a bit (well, I've always been good at volleyball, but I rarely let people know).

Then I remembered what it was like being with my YF, and I didn't get sad (that's massive progress). I started to remember how boy-ish I was around him. We used to play in the street (baseball, football, tag, you name it) afternoons after I got out of work, and I was TIRED, but managed to have energy to play pretty much all evening till he had to go to bed.

That's how I felt today. While I don't really feel/expect/want anything in particular with this boy, it was good to at least remind me that once in my life I was really happy just to be alive and to have someone I deeply loved.
When I moved away from my YF I lost it so bad. I've been so miserable most of the time since. I forgot what it had really meant, and I think God let me have a little reminder.

IDK. It's weird. I feel refreshed, energized, not depressed. I wouldn't call it 'happy', but it's definitely not sad.

one boy...that's all it took.