i started being attracted to boys my age when i was about 9 or 10. i didnt think it was too abnormal cause around that same age our little neighborhood group [we all grew up together] started fooling around with each other pretty heavily. I had a best friend pretty much since birth [my next door neighbor] and now, looking back i realize i loved him so much. but all that was cut short when i moved to another country halfway through 5th grade.

with the sudden loss of my best friend and the 'sex buddies' activities ceasing i was left with a huge hole inside, and a supercharged preteen sexuality that wouldn't go away, so in my new school i got some very intense crushes for boys, still my age. in 6th grade i started liking girls though, and all through middle school i was pretty much attracted to both boys & girls.

then when i got to high school all the boys started being 'guys' and i found myself getting crushes on the younger-looking freshmen. there were a couple girls i liked with unusual intensity, tho, and one, especially, occupied most of my teen fantasies. but i always looked at boys with a special nostalgia, not really anything sexual, more like longing for the good old days when my life was less complicated and painful.

[i should mention that all through my teen years i fooled around with my brother, who is 4 years younger. nothing too farfetched really, we always took showers together and were very uninhibited with each other since i was a kid. the farthest we ever got was some oral. but usually we just 'played around' and whatnot. that probably curbed a lot of my sexual desire for boys though. and my brother's grown up completely straight...has had a girlfriend for years, and we still have a decent relationship btw]

when i was about 16 my brother got a new friend. they started spending time at our house, and i was completely blown away by this kid. i could think of no one else for months, and that's when i realized this was gonna be a problem. i really liked a girl in school and would've been happy to call her my girlfriend, but at the same time there was this boy i couldn't
stop thinking about. of course i felt a ton of guilt about being a 'pedophile' so i was pretty much in denial for the longest time.

then when i was 17 we moved across the country and the only girl i've ever really felt anything for emotionally was out of my life, as well as my first real boy-crush. during this time, and for years afterward, i didn't like any girls at all. none could compare really. i liked lots of boys though. i got into full-blown 'BL mode' and just spent my free time daydreaming about the perfect boy, while realizing i was probably never have a relationship with one because i was an 'adult' now.

around this time we finally got internet and that's when i realized there were other people in the same predicament. i still thought it was wrong and perverted though, something you should try to change and all that.

then about a year later we moved again, and it turns out i landed in the perfect BOY-HOTSPOT[!]. there were boys living next door, & in 3 houses across the street, and they were all friends. soon they were friends with my brother, and spent long hours around me, as i still had to share a room with my bro. i had a grand old time. it was a circus!

but one of those boys, it turned out, was destined to meet me at that point in his life, and i to meet him. everything changed after that. for the first time in my life i felt at peace with myself, and found out what it means to really love. it only lasted 2 years, but he changed me in the most profound way anyone could.