After over 20 years of marriage I'm only just now coming to terms with how I've never really been faithful to the heart of my marriage and it's really cutting me up.

I guess as a BL it's never been something really doable for me.

I'm still in favour of the idea of BLs having the option of marriage should they want it and should their partner be happy to go along with it. The thing is, in my situation, I covered up my need for boy stuff and that caused all the trouble. Sigh.

I wish there had have been someone about that could have advised me all those years ago. Then I could have said to my (then) prospective wife... "look I really love you and want to be with you... but this is what it's going to be like for me and you need to be ok with that." I don't know... am I being naive thinking there are women out there who would be ok with that?

I've heard of gay guys married to women who have some kind of open relationship where he openly has some gay stuff on the side and the reports say it works for them. As a Christian I don't advocate having things going on on the side... but in practice, whilst I haven't sexed a real person... my heart, my mind and my eyes have heaps of stuff going on on the side. Sigh.

I'm finding admitting the truth about myself quite challenging. I want to be righteous and I find myself a sinner. (Welcome to my world says Paul - Romans 7).

Thank God for His grace.

Blessings
Cat.