BX.... I feel like it would be appropriate to just sit in silence after hearing your story.

I can't even imagine the levels of isolation you have experienced.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and story with us. It was a very honest and personal account. Thank you.

I don't know you, and it is not my place to tell you anything about how life should be. I did relate to many ideas in your story and since our only contact is this forum, please forgive me a few words in reply.

I feel it is unfortunate that many Christian promise others a happy ever after in God that is simply not our experience in this life. Many Christians find people with social anxiety and minority sexuality and self-hatred far too difficult to fit into their social ways of doing things.

My life is very difficult, I often feel like giving up, no one around me really gets it or understands. Fortunately, I do have people around me who love and accept me. I also have others who don't. It's a difficult journey.

When Jesus came to earth, he didn't take away our suffering, he PARTICIPATED IN IT. He got down in the dirt of life and he suffered along side us. If every other human fails you... Jesus will not. Jesus didn't promise us a life free of suffering... but a way to God the Father. The hope of removal of suffering comes only when Jesus comes again. Until that time, God may seem very distant. But he is not.

Suffering is designed to lead us to seek God and keep on seeking him. And to never give up. The gospel is not given to relieve our pain, but to help us to be more loving and good to others, as Jesus was. Christians often, as you have experienced, fail to take hold of this, and people are neglected.

If I were to give you any encouragement it would be this. Walk quietly through life. Get out in nature, breath the air, look at the green things, watch the water. Surrender yourself to God's will by praying things like this: "God this hurts more than I feel I can bear, but as Jesus went to the cross to honour you and be a blessing to others, please help me to know you in my suffering, to surrender my life to you and to love others as you love us. I can't wait till my time here is up and all the pain is over."

God bless you so much.

Cat.