"cuddling with some dude on a couch is definitionally eros whether they are fucking or not"

Nah - that's the crucial point. According to our culture, that may be the case. But your assumption that this is 'eros' is wholly based on your understanding, whilst tradition, the language used in the gospels and the rejection of sexual relationships by the culture makes your interpretation suspect. There's a story in Wesley Hill's 'Spiritual Friendship' of some Sudanese teenager refugees in the USA. Their culture said that it was entirely acceptable for two male friends to walk down the street hand in hand. Yet they discovered that in the USA that indicated a gay relationship - so they felt they had to abandon it.

Although Gore Vidal's 'Live from Golgotha' does try to present an alternative interpretation of the male on male relationships in the New Testament as sexualised, the reality is the early church adopted the Jewish tradition on the issue and rejected the Hellenistic; the fact Christian emperors outlaw homosexual practice is clear evidence that it did so, as the idea that it would have taken the meme from Judaism after Jesus is unrealistic, as a moment's engagement with the confusion over the dating of Easter and the desire of the church to avoid 'judaising' indicates. The New Testament tradition is to 'flee sexual immorality', and Jesus makes clear that marriage is one man and one woman for life with his teaching about divorce.

Yes, this is a heavy burden - but that doesn't prove anything; resisting any form of temptation is not easy, but that's what living a holy life requires.