I need advice please..
Submitted by Jake on July 29 2000 16:47:55
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OK over the last year or so I will admit that I have became eviler than normal people should.. I am a teenager so that should count for somthing, but I noticed after my mother pointed out me bashing things for no reason like on the Murry show they had some disabled children on their and you know I felt very bad for them like I usually do but I always say the opposite of what I think. my mom askes me what im watching and out of no where I say "the freak show". Thats not the first time I have done that. When ever it boils down to the point of me showing effection tord anything I turn into some other creature that hates all human life. I tell everyone I hate people but I don't actually I am a very lonly person I don't have many friends and the ones I do know I don't hang around with outside of school. I don't want to show emmotion tords anything becasue I fear that people will find out that I am gay/boylover. I don't want anyone to know but it's hard to try and keep the false face. Don't get me wrong I try to turn around and be the nice person that I want to be but everyone mocks me when I do it so I just go back. My friends told me God will help me. I beleve he could if I can stand to be non-evilish.. The way I think and what I see the world as makes me think of not normal things. I admit I think of hate death and every morbid thing some one can think. I am trying to get out of it. The sad part of all this is that I don't do drugs or drink or even smoke so everything I think or do is in my right state of mind (as right as it can be). When I was younger I know I went through hell and back and now I see that thats might be where IM headed when I die and I don't want to go their but how can I stop it even if I try so hard and nothing works. Church doesn't work talking everything out doesnt work, not even excepting Jesus into my heart. I tried that 4 times at the most and every time I fly back to a darker state than I was before. I been told that I have demons in me taking me down which may be but then why doesnt God get them out? I have been banned from talking to my friends about God and such becasue I always battle them with questions they can't answer and it gets them mad as hell.. I can put on a good show when debateing stuff I always have a question that has to be explained too much.. I talked the hell out of Mormons so much they ignore me when I enter the room.. I dont do it meanly I just go in as my questions.. and most of the time they drift into other things.. maybe here I can actually get some answers that I cant argue with hopefully... Jake |
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