Uncles, and other thoughts
Submitted by Jules on August 29 2000 18:08:26
In reply to First Post (Part 7) -- looking for a cure (LONG) submitted by FeelingDirty on August 28 2000 07:00:16
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Brother Splash, Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I have read it all and value so much what you have said. It was good for me to be reminded of the power of the feelings you and I both experience. You understand yourself well, but you are also wise enough to know that understanding yourself is not sufficient to prevent sin - that any of us could still fall. We must keep close to our Lord who knows everything about us. With him, we can overcome! I was thinking about the relationship you had with the boy and his mother. It struck me that, once you became romantically involved with her, you were having to relate to him in two different ways, and maybe you found this difficult, as he did. You were, as you said, like a friend or older brother to him, or maybe an uncle, but then you were also having to try to become a father to him. There must have been some aspects of these roles that conflicted. Of course, a father should always be a friend to his children, but he is a father first, and a certain type of friend as well as a result. But for a friend of a different type to become a father afterwards is much more difficult. That's one of the extra difficulties introduced into life by divorce and step-relationships. They don't work as simply as first-time marriages. I've heard it said before - and I can well imagine it - that in ancient times, when people lived in larger extended family groups, it would often have been the uncles and older cousins who provided the mentor role for boys, rather than their own father. An uncle has the freedom to have 'favourites', as you had, but a father doesn't. Maybe it's for the best that you didn't end up as the father. Like you, I can partly understand the origin of my feelings for boys, from the life I had as a child. I have a longing to be 'one of the boys'. I wish I had been a handsome boy with a good tan. I wish I'd worn sexy shorts. I wish I'd had a cool hair cut. In fact all the things I like about a boy are things I wish I had been, but wasn't. That's why I feel jealous when a boy gets girls flocking round him - not because he's ignoring me, but because I wish I'd been like him. Someone else here said this as well recently: it's almost as though when I am attracted to a boy what I'm really doing is wishing I was that boy. I'm trying to find the ideal boy that I wished I'd been, and trying to connect with him, wanting to live in his world. I'm wanting to experience the carefree life, the affection, the social attention I didn't have myself as a boy. Just thinking about this now, I suppose in psychological terms it's a form of projection - taking an part of me that wants to be loved, and instead trying to love it in someone else. And of course, like other forms of projection, it doesn't work, and it's psychologically unhealthy. I can't ever properly fulfil my longing that way. I have to learn instead to truly love myself, now, as an adult, and find love from others. So I have to find acceptance in the adult world. That doesn't mean I have no contact with boys, but it does mean that I'm less emotionally dependent on them, as I transfer my emotional attachment to adult friends. It also means that I'm free to be a mentor to boys without the same risk of over-invovlement. But, as I said to start with, I must never think that I'm invincible. The original feelings are still there. Like Bach, I don't believe there is a 'cure' for the feelings you and I have. I haven't found one myself. But I do think there are some things that help both self-acceptance and self-control: I'm sure there's more to discover here, so let's keep talking! I've found writing this helpful as well, so thanks again for being here. God bless, Jules |
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