Re: Great news, Splash!
Submitted by Splash! on August 30 2000 03:07:35
In reply to Great news, Splash! submitted by Bach on August 29 2000 16:52:55
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I am really amazed by the intelligence I see in this forum. When I first came here and spent an hour looking over the variety of posts, I had come with a prejudice of what "boylovers" were about. When I saw that this was a support forum for boylovers, my first thoughts were that people here were trying to make others feel comfortable about their sexual feelings for boys, as if to encourage them to follow these feelings into areas of immorality. The first and last pages of my first post were written with that audience in mind. I was afraid that people here would try to make me feel that I should give in to these temptations to the point of actually hurting the same boys I love. I really didn't understand the concept of "boylover." I had assumed that boylovers were interested in pursuing sexual contact with boys. I didn't want to be a part of that belief, and that's why I expressed my need to find someone who identified with my feelings (which I thought were contrary to what most boylovers felt). It has been a great relief to find others that believe the same as me -- that this attraction is to be controlled, and that the love we feel for boys should be acted on in accordance with our Christianity so that the relationship between boy and man actually becomes beneficial to both persons involved. I had never put to paper the thoughts that have gone through my mind regarding my struggles with being a boylover. I always resigned my feelings as being totally evil, thoughts that should be ignored, and I constantly felt guilty about having them or even being tempted by them. This is how I started my post, but as you probably saw, the post got more positive the more I wrote -- I started to see my feelings in a new light. In the past, I had never forced myself to really think about the motivations I had when I first made myself a friend to this family. I felt guilty that I may have done these things because of my sexual attraction for the boy. But when I wrote out my story, I realized that I never pursued a sexual relationship with the boy, and that I was genuinely concerned about the boy's growth as a young Christian man. It was the fact that as a Christian trying to affect good into a young man's life at the same time as having sexual feelings and thoughts about him that I felt dirty, unholy, unChristian. I kept thinking how great it would have been for me to have been the man I was to him without the sexual feelings -- then I wouldn't have kept feeling guilty, and I wouldn't have kept questioning my supposed Christian unconditional love for the boy. But perhaps sexual feelings are a necessary evil to be dealt with when feeling intense love for another person? I loved his mother, and my love for his mother was so great that I had sexual feelings for her -- we made love in some very unusual places, and we didn't care -- we were intense with each other. Maybe it's to be accepted that any kind of intense feelings of love will also be accompanied with intense feelings of sexual arousal? I have no doubt in my mind that it is wrong to act on these sexual feelings when in love with a boy, but it is natural to want to become intimate with the one you love. These feelings of intimacy are almost always sexual. I daresay it's part of our human makeup that goes back to the Garden for the purpose of having sex and producing life out of that intimate union. Perhaps each one of us boylovers has at least one experience in our past (childhood, most likely) that caused us to seek intimacy with another male. Some of us may have accomplished bits and pieces of intimacy with a male, and this may have made us feel good to the point of seeking this same intimacy with males for the rest of our lives. If we found these desires to be fulfilled in some part with other boys while we were boys, perhaps we're still seeking that same fulfillment today, even as we grow older, with boys. If we never found the desires we had as boys to be fulfilled in any part, perhaps we're still seeking to have those desires fulfilled today as if we were still boys. It's because of our intimate desires that sexual feelings and thoughts are aroused within us. And where does God fit into all of this? I believe it has always been His will that a person's family be like a piece of heaven on earth. If things were the way God had planned, then maybe we wouldn't feel the necessity to seek intimacy with people other than the same-aged persons of the opposite sex. It is because of human choice that things have gotten screwed up within God's creation, causing events to happen that are not His will. As boylovers, we know that a child thrives on love. If we as children did not receive the love that was so badly needed, perhaps we felt a great need to seek it from others. If boys didn't get it from their fathers, then they sought it from their peers, other boys. If boys didn't get it from their mothers, then they sought it from the girls with whom they played. If these same boys received some fulfillment of this love through other boys and girls their age, perhaps they are still seeking to gain this fulfillment through the same people that gave it to them before -- boys and girls. If they didn't get this fulfillment from the boys or girls that surrounded them at the time they needed to be loved, perhaps these same boys (now men) are still seeking it from that same age group. This theory may also support the fact that pedophiles have different ranges of AOA (ages of attraction). Perhaps the AOA range is an indicator of how old we were at the time we sought love from those around us. I don't understand a man's attraction for boys younger than 10 years old since my attraction is for boys older than 10 years old, but this may be an indicator that one man had something happen in his life where he sought love and understanding before the age of 10 while I had something happen in my life where I sought love and understanding after the age of 10. My main attraction has always been for boys aged 12-14. This was a difficult time for me. I was going through puberty -- my father wasn't around, my older brother was no help, and my mother was too old-fashioned to know what I was going through. Also, I grew up in a neighborhood where it was common to have sex with a girl by age 12 -- it was a poor neighborhood where parents were gone at work during the day. I was sexually attracted to girls my age and had girlfriends with whom I shared passionate kisses, but maybe I felt inadequate that I couldn't "rise" to the standards of my neighborhood friends? In addition, I was a late bloomer -- I didn't start masturbating until I was 12 years old and only tried it because my friends kept joking about it. I wanted to see what the big deal was -- and boy did I find out! Approximately three months before that discovery, I had my first orgasm after having my butt played with for a couple minutes by another boy as we were playing on the floor with matchbox cars. The orgasm hurt (it was my first one and I was trying to hold it because I thought I was going to pee my pants instead), but the sensation up to that point felt good, I liked it, and I wanted more of it. (Our experimentation didn't last more than a month -- I was scared that we would be found out). My desire for being accepted by other males at the same time as discovering masturbation and going through puberty may have had a lot to do with my sexual attraction toward boys my age, 12. Each year that I got older, my age of attraction increased until I was 14, and then my age of attraction remained for boys aged 12-14 ever since, and this may have been because I started to feel alienated by other boys my age that I looked up to once I entered high school. Wouldn't it be great if we had all the answers and didn't have to try to discover them for ourselves? But I believe there's a reason for this; though, I'm not quite sure what that reason might be. Perhaps together we can come to a greater understanding and a clearer picture of what the reasons are behind our attractions for boys. This way we can feel better about ourselves, overcome our struggles, understand our "condition," and use it for ultimate good. ~Splash* |
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