'Love' the boy?
Submitted by Comfort on October 10 2000 10:16:39
In reply to Boy love - a gift! submitted by onceaboy on October 09 2000 22:24:59
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What kind of 'love' are we talking about here? Are we really looking after the boy's interests, or are we looking after our own? Whose needs are we feeding by being in a relationship with a boy? Isn't it really more to make us feel good and needed and wanted and accepted? I am not giving up on boys at all. I have decided to treat them with real love and real respect. I still have contact - but now it is appropriate. I know that I should not try to develop an emotionally intimate relationship - that is an attempt to feed my needs, not his. No, in discussions and counseling with the boys' father with whom I had been inappropriately affectionate, we talk about what is responsible and appropriate interaction, and what they think is out of bounds. I allow them to determine boundaries where there is any question. Together, we all look out for the real needs of the kids, and I can no longer fool myself and convince myself that I am 'building up a boy' when in fact, I am building up and cushioning my own emotional needs. Think about a father's relationship with his son. Imagine you have a son. Do you really want a young man from your church whom you know has strong and at times overpowering sexual desire toward boys, to be encouraged to develop a close relationship with your son without boundaries? To spend lots of time alone together? If we are honest we have to admit that we would not. What father would want to put his son in that danger. That is what I ask myself regarding interaction with boys. What would this boy's father want for him? Accountability is so wonderful. The one 14 year old boy from my church with whom I was inappropriately (and sinfully) physically intimate continues to want to hang around me. He asks, "Can I sleep over at your house?" "Can you give me a ride home?" "Can I go to lunch with you?" I could easily give in to these requests had I not become accountable to his parents. But now, my response is simple, "You need to ask your Dad," or, like for the sleepover question, "No." Because dad and I have already talked about that one, and I know the answer. And I just ask his dad about the questionables, and go with his views. So when in question about any behavior or contact, ask yourself that question. What would an average Christian parent want for their own child, given all the facts? What would your pastor say is appropriate? If you do not know, ask your pastor what apporpriate behavior is for someone who calls themself a "boylover" (which I will not label myself as). Again, as the Scripture says, "Do not be deceived!" Don't fool yourself into condoning behavior that is not good for you or others. Get pastoral counsel and accountability! I have prayed at great length about this issue in my life, and God has made His way clear to me - confession, deliverance and strict accountability. And it works! Good for me, great for the boys, good for the pastors and the parents, and God delights! Why would I want less?? I am wonderfully happy, loving God for His deliverance and grace, and growing in a passionate love for the Lord. And you know, I don't really miss the 'boy thing'. The needs for closeness and intimacy I was trying to inappropriately feed through emotional and physical intimacy with teenage boys are more fully and better met through deeper relationships with men from my church, including a wonderful deeper reltaionship with my pastors, as well as a (very recently) deepening relationship with a woman (bringing its own needs for accountability in behavior!). And these would not have happened had I not chosen to make the effort to give up willingly feeding my fantasies for boys. And my true godly concern for the well-being of boys (I do not deny that that is a part of it too) does not go unfulfilled - I can still encourage, strengthen and help boys to grow into fulfilled lives. My pastors help me with this - they have encouraged me to work on helping the boys feel good about themselves through music. We have a youth band at church now, and two of the boys are responding very favorably, growing in confidence in their ability to be used by God in worship music - two of them especially enjoy playing in the band with me, and want to practice often. One's father (my pastor who knows my struggles with sexual thoughts about boys), because he sees how his son is built up by it, encourages us to practice, as long as it is in the church - again, appropriate, accountable interaction. And it is working great! Healing is available, and everyone will be better off, especially you (like me) if we give up this selfish idea that we are OK keeping to ourselves and trying to feed our need for intimacy through boys. There are far better ways, and they are in the will of God! God wants to heal us! And He certainly is able - He is God after all! We just need to cooperate! God bless! |
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