My Heart is broken...
Submitted by Eureka on January 04 2001 18:35:44
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If I only read these words five years ago.... ~ Ocne a child wrote, "..we need to be careful not to worship a boy." Last night at work, Rusty (Who I have had a crush on for five years now) told me he's going to ask his Girl Friend to marry him...I wish him Joy while at the same time my heart is broken. Rusty and I have a rock road friendship. We are the best of friends even if I wanted more. To be honest, I wanted Rusty as my Boy Friend and he knew it. But it was not to be. He's 26 years old and str8 and I'm 36yrs old and gay. Like time in a bottle, I look back now and I ask myself was I worshiping Rusty or did I wish he'd become gay? or both. I remember some of those days comging home from work in the early afternoon and making a b-line straight for bed because I wanted to see Rusty in my dreams (BOOM!) wake up and see him at work the next day. I wanted Rusty so bad..that I fell into a depression and just gave up on the world and God. I was angry at God for sending me this beautiful, young, cute, hearthrob of a youngman who I couldnt get to see life threw my eyes. I would shout at God, How dare you send me this angel...I would think I had my own touched by an angel thing going on. I gave up on life and on me. I became what you fine under a rock..dirt. In the middle of winter on a cold night I found myself looking down at the Ice River below, I was going to jump. If I close my eyes I can feel the crisp air blow and watch the ice flow pass the bridge. I was almost ready to take a leap off the bridge when I heard my name being called. Half an hour later I was setting in a booth at Denny's eating french fries and drinking coffee. Most inportant I was sharing my life with Rusty and his girl friend. It has taken me a long time to learn that Rusty is not an angel sent by God, he is not meant to be worshipped. God did give him a gift, he has such child like qualitys and actions that today I am still overpowerd by him but I take it day by day. Rusty did ask me to be the best Man for the wedding..in 2002. Be. Still. Be Ready. He is coming again. Eureka. |
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