Here I Am, Lord.

One of my favorite hymns is called "Here I Am, Lord." ©1981, 1983, 1989 Daniel L. Schutte and NALR It's a hymn about the nature of the Church and being called to God's mission. The lyrics are sort of a Q&A between God and those who would hear God's call to serve. I, the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry. All who dwell in dark and sin, my hand will save. I who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. Who will bear my light to them? Whom shall I send? I, the Lord of snow and rain, I have borne my people's pain. I have wept for love of them, they turn away. I will break their hearts of stone, give them hearts for love alone. I will speak my word to them. Whom shall I send? I, the Lord of wind and flame, I will tend the poor and lame, I will set a feast for them. My hand will save. Finest bread I will provide till their hearts be satisfied. I will give my life to them. Whom shall I send? In each case, the refrain answers the "Whom shall I send?" question: Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord? I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart. As a Christian who also happens to be a boylover, I really wrestle with the implications of being called to serve. Am I called specially to minister to boys and perhaps children/youth in general? Or does God call me to serve in other areas of the church, according to the gifts and graces that have been bestowed upon me as an individual and the needs of the church at that time? In actuality, I have variously felt called to serve according to each of those understandings, and things have gone well. What scares me, though, is the thought that perhaps I haven't listened closely enough to hear what God is really calling me to do. I mean, what if God wants me to say, I will go, Lord... and bear God's light to fellow boylovers? To bear their pain? To weep for love of them or speak God's Word to them? To tend to them, and give my life to them? Being a boylover is difficult and frightening enough in our society. The thought that God may be calling me to serve--to be in ministry to--other boylovers, if frightening. Saying, I will hold your people in my heart would require an openness that would almost certainly exact a price that I'm not sure I could pay. I mean, how does one serve other boylovers without being somewhat open and less secure in one's own privacy? And can't I be called on to usher or serve on the finance committee? I'm not sure what God is calling me to just now. I've been away from corporate worship for some time now, and without the fellowship of other believers I find it increasingly difficult to maintain any discipline in my faith. Even prayer has become infrequent. But I do know I am in the midst of a painful healing process, and at some point reconnecting with my faith in a meaningful way will be an essential part of that process. And so my thoughts drift, and I find myself wondering what it means to be a Christian and a boylover--and someone who is called to serve. I haven't found the answers on my own. Maybe becoming more active at CBF and spending more time in conversation with posters here will help me listen more closely to what God whispers to me, and eventually I'll understand God's answers as they pertain to my life and call to serve. With that in mind, -zip- helped me with a sigpic, and Bach registered my nick, and, well, "here I am." Hello! Love, Webster