Perhaps the reason...
Submitted by Altima on August 12 2001 20:01:33
In reply to Smoke and Mirrors submitted by Altima on August 11 2001 22:31:41
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I've been thinking today about what motivated me to do this, and I've been reading the posts in the thread below about honesty. I feel now that the reason I want to act, is not to fool people, but to reveal myself, while everyone is THINKING I'm fooling them. I have never been honest with my feelings to people face to face, except for a few instances. When I was 11, in 7th grade, (around that age) my new school was more or less hell. I knew no one, at least, no one that gave a damn about me. My only friend there (from my previous school) was having a rough time also, but he was used to it. He was the kind of unfortunate person that attracted negative feelings, not to mention, his father had died the year before. But at one point, our family doctor once told my mother that he feared for my physical safety in that school (I wasn't told that he mentioned that until recently. heh.) I was sent to a psychologist. Remembering back, she didn't actually say much to me, not any real advice. I just emptied my frustrations into words before her, poured my hurt into her unmoving face, and she listened. After each session I would be shivering uncontrollably. The only time I lose my composure like that and cannot control myself is when I tell someone something that has been hurting me inside. Like when I told my mother how my only friend here in Ireland smokes hash and goes binge drinking, at the age of 14. Strange, how I can keep it so well bottled up. Strange how I can look at someone in the eye and say "Nothing's bothering me" and they wouldn't know that it was a huge lie. The sessions ended whe nI moved to Ireland, and so did my habit of telling my parents things about my life which they cannot see. I sometimes give them small doses. But I have never allowed myself to be honest anymore. I'm just hoping now that I can have a wrenching emotional scene, some opportunity to let my silent pain free. I'm sure I can wow them then. |
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