Re: Thoughts

It's all still confusing to me, but when I was growing up I thought I could never meet up to the standards of other boys. That may have something to do with my brother making fun of me or getting mad at me because I wasn't as athletic as him (even tho I still am quite athletic), and it may have something to do with my dad accepting and relating to my brother more than me. So, when guys my age would congratulate me for making a touchdown or hitting a homerun, it made me feel great! And at that age, they'd often run up to me, jump on me, hug me, whatever -- boys are very emotional and physical in their display of happiness. I lived for those moments. But I also went thru a lot of ridicule from boys my age. I've always been a Christian and my beliefs made me strong (usually) against doing wrong. That didn't make me popular at times. Not that I was a "tattle-tale" or tried to force-feed my faith. I didn't. I was my own person -- always have been. Most kids belong to a clique when they're in school. Not me, but I had friends in them all. I was well-liked by most people and have always made friends very easily. But when I received any kind of love and acceptance from boys (especially from certain boys I looked up to) it always felt good. I can only assume that this is where my boylove feelings developed. At the time I felt gay since I liked boys my age. But I also liked girls my age (and older). I thought I was like most people and that other boys my age had the same feelings. I always thought I'd grow out of it. When I was 12, I thought older women were sexy, but I didn't even find 16-year old boys attractive. This kept me from labeling myself "gay". "I'll grow out of it." It was very confusing for me because I was attracted to boys and even fantasized about them. Maybe the fantasies are the reasons why I didn't "grow out of it." Actually, I grew older, but my attraction for boys didn't. I still find 12-14 year old boys attractive, and probably because of all the things I (as a 12-14 year old) went through at that time. My order of attraction goes like this: 1. Boys 2. Women 3. Men 4. Girls I still lie to myself about my attraction though. It's funny how we try to put parts of our lives into easily definable boxes. I often say that I'm not gay; therefore, my box titled "Attraction to Men" is empty. But when I open it and take a look inside every now and then, it isn't empty. There's that guy I saw a couple weeks ago, and there's that one actor who's been in there for the last five years. Would I ever consider having a sexual relationship with these men outside of my Christian beliefs? Maybe. (I did have a "gay" relationship not too long ago). But, then there's those type of men who never show up in my box. These include men who are older than me, not athletic, hairy, and those who have strong stereotypically gay mannerisms (the talk, the walk, etc). [By the way, I don't mean to suggest that all gay men act like that]. In most cases, the "men" I find attractive look young, even if they aren't. And my attraction for girls is almost non-existent. Every once in awhile I'll find a 14 or 15 year old girl attractive. For example, when I first saw Britney Spears I told one of my friends, "Man, I wish I was 16 again and could be her boyfriend!!" But then again... she did look womanly -- as do the other "girls" I find attractive. And the women I find attractive have to be almost gorgeous to catch my attention. My last girlfriend looked exaclty like a famous singer [sorry for being purposely vague]. She was beautiful. But her personality soon turned sour. Or maybe it was me... probably both. So I understand you when you talk about exploring this wider spectrum of our sexuality. It probably isn't healthy for me to label myself a boylover since that puts me in a box. We all need to be careful about how we define ourselves or how we let others define us. Plus, we never really know what direction or turn our lives might take. We need to be open to certain situations and what God might do in us, through us. See, I have a hard time understanding the sexuality of people like Forgiven who says that he's not attracted to females at all. Not that I don't believe him -- it's just that I haven't experienced that for myself. How can I say that he should totally repress his sexual feelings and if he can't fall in love with a woman that he should be celibate for the rest of his life? Let me put it this way: Someone very famous was talking to more than a million listeners and said, "Child molesters have no hope. There is no cure for them. They should all be killed!!" How can he say such a thing? He's never experienced the temptations that come with being attracted to a child, so how can he make a judgment on people he has no way of understanding? [Not that I've ever been a child molester, but I do understand the temptations]. People are so quick to judge and tell people how others should live. And everyone always think they know more than everyone else. It's prideful for me to be the same way, and as a Christian, pride in my life would be a sin. I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's been a long day and my mind is distracted. Maybe I'll do better later in my replies to any replies to this post. I just wanted you (Jules) to know that I read your post and am one of those people for whom it was written. I've printed it out and will read it a few more times before the end of the week. I'd really love to hear more about how your Christian beliefs have changed over time. Mine have also changed over time. Peace!