These days are confusing me...
Submitted by Altima on September 18 2001 18:44:54
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I've been sick the last few days. On Tuesday when I heard about the terrorist attacks, I began to feel sick to my stomach. The sharp pain resided within me for a feww days, then i came down with a fever, once again surrendering myself to endless streams of nightmares during my torturous half-sleep. My nightmares revolved around a few things... my new school, explosions and large blades. After the fever subsided I was left with the horrendous cough which I am currently suffering as I type this. I couldn't be at school for the printing of my article, I had to send it in via a floppy disk. I hope they were able to condense it and print it. But so many more words have been coming to me. My mind seems to work in words. When I see something I love, an intangible poetry is sung to me, refusing to reveal it's letters (which is why I suck at writing poetry) and when I'm sad, primal scream erupt in my brain, which I can sometimes filter into coherant sentences. When I feel nothing emotionally I talk to myself in a voice no ear can hear, but my mind. It has no sound in the physical sense, but it is soothing. It is a normal sounding voice, it is the voice that I wish I sounded like. It dictates letters, essays and forum posts for me. But these days I'm feeling troubled. I am troubled by recent events because I don't know what to think, but what is worse is when the notion enters my head that what I think does not matter. Events in the world will play out the same whether I stew over them or not, right? Sometimes I wonder if God would have a voice like my internal monologue. Would God even have a voice, I wonder. Something so intangible as God... would He need to manifest a voice and put ideas into words for a small mortal like me? I sure hope so. It would make things so much easier. Some would say that God speaks through people. I don't think He's ever spoken through me, I always control which keys I type and which words I speak. Pondering this is getting confusing though. Would God settle for just providing inspiration to humans as a means of communicating? The Bible was written by people who were inspired, but in the Bible God actually speaks to people. It makes me wonder why God didn't speak to the Bible's authors, but then again, who would believe anyone who said "Hey, this book was dictated word-for-word by God Himself!" I guess why I bring this up is that yesterday I felt something guiding me as I wrote in the book of condolances at America's Embassy. At first my mind was blank as to a message to write, so I just wrote my name. But as I walked along the sidewalk adorned with signs and candles, I had to turn around. I had to go back to the book. It was a different book (there were actually four set up) and I wrote from the National Anthem without even thinking, quoting a seemingly random verse. "And the rockets' red glare, The bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night, The our flag was still there." And that night I was a photograph on the news of a lone man standing in the rubble contemplating the unscathed American flag that was upon the flagpole before him. Everything was white with dust and death except the flag. The reason for my rant is to ask a question, Have you ever felt that what you said or wrote was guided by some force other than your own? |
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