What I meant by what I said
Submitted by Nate on October 6 2001 21:08:14
In reply to meanings and intents submitted by F.O.D. on October 6 2001 10:54:11
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Hi F.O.D., I think you touched on the real point of what I was trying to express. I was just so surprised by his reaction that didn’t know quite what to think. Thinking back on the moment - about what was in my mind when I said, "I fell in love with you.” - I was feeling a sense of loss after noticing that he is fast becoming a man and in my unconscious I wanted to say goodbye to the boy that I had always wanted to be with, but never had the chance - and never will. (If you have read some of my early posts, you know that I am restrained from having "contact" with boys by a watchful group of concerned citizens in my community - not for anything I've done, but because I confessed to my pastors that I had felt sexual attraction for a boy.) What I was remembering with D3 at seven years old was having made a commitment to the boy - an unconscious decision - that I would be there for him, that I would defend him, that I would nurture and encourage him in any way that I could. That is what "fell in love" meant. The way that circumstances played out, I didn’t have much chance to follow through. I guess in some ways, telling him that I had long been in love with him was also a test - a sounding to see if there was anything there on his part. That was probably unwise of me - and unfair to the boy given my current situation. I sure didn’t expect the reaction that I got! It seems so unusual for a teenager to be open and expressive of his feelings. It was nice for me, however. I have thought about this all week, and wondered how I should handle our next meeting. If I get the chance to talk to him tomorrow, I think that I will just let him know that what he said to me has made me happy all week – and leave it at that. Nate |
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