Re: Nothing to be sorry about....
Submitted by Chris on January 9 2002 12:56:45
In reply to Re: About Fear... submitted by Gentle Giant on January 8 2002 22:24:40
|
Dear Gentle Giant, I really like your "nick" and it sounds kind of familiar to me. Have we ever "spoke" with one another before? Well, that isn't important right now anyway. Your survival is what I am concerned with and it is that which I know is of the greatest importance right now! Brother, you have absolutely nothing to feel sorry about with me, ok? I am here for you. We all are! Many of us have been in bad circumstances similiar to or even just like the one you are in and have weathered the storm to be able to help others do the same. We are brothers in Christ Jesus, after all, and it is by His example that we can do this. I did have a huge problem about a year ago. In fact, it was January 7 of last year that it all happened. You can read about it in much better detail in one of the issues of Paraclesis and you can find that by a link right from this forum, as it is our "official" publication, if you will. But I will try to relate some things about it I think might help. I am also a recovering alcoholic and when I got into that trouble last Jan. it was partly due to the fact that I had started to drink again after a period of sobriety. (I am now very grateful to say that I am happily sober and have been for a year...Praise God!!!) My brother and I were living in a terrible co-dependant relationship and we often fought, but that day was to be the worst AND last fight for both of us. He came over to my house to see if he could get me into a jam session with him as we were both trying to do a rock band project together. Well, that morning I had gotten up and started my day with quite a few shots of vodka, chased down with three or four beers. I was pretty hammered by the time he arrived. He noticed that I was drunk and got royaly pissed of because he had always taken on the role of being my "sobriety monitor", a thing which I now see as a part of his sick co-dependancy...but that is another story. He began to yell at me and took his drum sticks and hammered them down on the kitchen table to put a kind of physical exclamation point at the end of every sentence he screamed at me. I told him to get out and take his drum kit with him and that I was finally through with him, but he just got louder and threatened to smash one of my prized guitars over my head. That was when I just blew a gasket! I went upstairs to my bedroom and took out an extreemly large and sharp knife. It was a replica of the one used in the movie "Rambo 3", to give you an idea of what I am talking about. I walked back downstairs and all I can remember after that was yelling at him that he would leave whether he wanted to or not, and then (God help me!!!) I stabbed him in the chest with it. He ran outside screaming and bleeding and I went into a kind of shock, I guess. I just sat down and waited for the police to come because I knew it was inevitable. I then went straight to jail and he went to the hospital. I did not kill him, nor did I injur him permanently as his rib cage managed to stop the blade from going too deep. Oh Lord I hope I don't start crying right now in a public library.... Anyway, my brother had his revenge. He turned everything B.L. related of mine that he could find in my house over to the police. This included some books I had purchased a couple of years earlier at a Barnes and Noble Bookstore. They were books of nude photography work by Jock Sturgis, a professional photographer who specializes in shooting nudes, mostly on nude beaches in Europe and even the U.S.. He does beautiful work and, of course, he also does not discriminate when it comes to the age of his subjects. In other words, the books contained quite a few nudes of children. I was charged with assault 1, which is the very worst, and also with possetion of child pornography. Well, when it was all over and my useless lawyer sold me on a plea bargin, I was found guilty of third degree assault and possetion of what they reffered to as....oh lord I don't remember the term they used but it is in the article I wrote since then for Paraklesis in case you are interested. I did my jail time and got out to discover that my brothers AND my mom had taken all of my things (an entire house-hold of furniture, music equiptment, stereos, t.v.'s, vcr's, etc....) and also all of my personal things like journals and letters I had been working on and had recieved from B.L. friends, and they were keeping it all. The only way I will ever get that stuff back now is if I decide to press the issue legally, and I absolutely refuse to do that. I have found a way to live after all that, brother, but it has NOT been easy. I am so grateful to my brothers here who continued to believe in me through-out the whole thing and wrote to me while I was in Jail and have continued to be supportive and keep in touch. I do not live the way I used to, or was accustomed to. I now live in a one room apartment at a kind of run-down motel in town (but the mannager has become a friend of mine and he is really nice, so it's not bad in that respect) because that is all I can afford right now. I am working at a supermarket just down the street a block or so because that is the only place that would give me a job. But I can thank God now because I know it has ONLY been by His love and His grace that I am alive and able to come back in here to be a part of this forum. Indeed, I am grateful now for literally everything I have and everyone who I can call brother and/or friend! Praise God forever and ever!!!! I really hope my story helps you, Giant, because this is the very first time I have ever given out these details about it. I hope now that you can see that God WILL help you through your present trial and we are indeed here for you too!!! God Bless, Chris |
Follow ups: