The light at the end of the tunnel
Submitted by tigris on January 9 2002 19:28:27
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Hey guys. I feel so good right now. I have been dealing a lot with depression lately, and I was really at the end of my rope. My thoughts were running away from me, and I didn't know what to do. I posted about this in detail further down the page if you really want to read more about it. I have been learning so much from this experience. I realized that my relationship with my 11 year old friend was becoming an obsession. I was making him my priority over anything else. I became obsessed with being with him and obsessed with his opinion of me. One negative comment from him was enough to send me into depression for days. Pathetic, I know. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that it really was that bad. As I mentioned before, one other reason I obsessed over him was the fact that he was turning away from God. He was getting involved with some bad friends and was adopting some of their behaviors. I mentioned all of this before too. I just want to set up my story and what has been happening. Sorry for the repeat information. I have been praying for him a lot. I have been praying that he will come around to desiring the things of God. I have been praying that the friends that he has been involved in will no longer be involved in his life. He started riding the school bus a couple of months ago and that's where he is getting this influence. Well, since school has started back from Christmas break, he hasn't even ridden the school bus very much. His mom has been driving him to school. He keeps missing the bus. Strange that I would be praying for that and then it would happen that he would constantly be missing the bus, huh??? Also, I have been praying for me and my obsession. I was beginning to turn him off to Christianity, I think, with my efforts to try to get him back into Christianity. I decided that my job was to live a godly life in front of him and just pray and wait for the Holy Spirit to do His job. I wasn't going to push it any more. And I haven't been doing that. And you know what? He has slowly started opening up to me again about his character issues. For example, he told me today, out of the blue, that the reason he acts "cool" (aka bad behaviors) in front of people is because he is too embarrassed to be himself. People wouldn't like him. This is kind of a deep thought for him to be having. It shows me that he realizes that something is going on and he doesn't really like it. It's all an act, apparently. This is good news that he is coming back around. Also, and I am embarrassed to admit this, but I have him after school for tutoring once a week on Wednesdays. Since we started this, he has been calling his parents every week and asking them if he can skip church to stay at my house. I always tell them that it's fine with me if he does. I make it sound like I don't care either way, but inside I was always hoping so much that he would stay. I would actually kind of encourage him to stay with me sometimes. I have asked for forgiveness from God for that, trying to keep him from church in order to satisfy my longings. Well, this week he did it again. His dad got mad at him for wanting to stay at my house, but said "go ahead, stay!" and hung up the phone on him. Well, this sort of bothered him, but in typical fashion, he said "oh well, at least I got my way." Then he said that we were going to get a movie to watch. I started feeling really bad at this point. Here I was praying and praying for this kid to come around to God, and I was again keeping him from church. So I asked him once more if he was sure he didn't want to go to church. He said he absolutely did not (he hates church, he says). Well, we drove past the church on the way to the video store and I pulled in. I told him I couldn't make him get out, but I didn't like the fact that I was the one keeping him from church. He looked at me, and amazed me. He said, "go ahead, pull up. I want to go now." You have to understand this kid to really understand how cool this was. Here was a kid who was so turned off to church and everything that had to do with it, and he wanted to go. I was amazed with him doing that, and I was impressed with myself for turning him loose to go. Normally I would have done all I could to convince him not to go and stay with me. I am so glad that I obeyed God. I feel so full of joy and I feel like I am back to my old self, for now. And what's more is that as soon as I let him go back into God's care and out of my care, my relationship with both God and my YF was deepened. I feel so much closer to both of them. My relationship with my YF was very unhealthy a couple of weeks ago. Praise God for answering my prayers. Praise God for opening my eyes to what was really going on. Praise God for working in his life and convicting him to go to church on his own. Praise God for being faithful and forgiving me for the decisions I had made. Praise God for the change in me right now. I pray that this stays. Thanks for praying and thanks for allowing me to go on for so long with my story. It may not sound like much when you read it, but I believe that God is really working right now. I am so excited to see answers to my prayers! tigris |
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