A perfect love...Brian
Submitted by Daruis on March 31 2002 04:04:06
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following is a true chronicle of my years with a boy I loved more than life itself. The events recorded here were in fact real life occurrences; they represent the pure joy of loving a boy and the pain that always seem to accompany our tortured lives. This is my complete story…. Brian He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen and he was to become my longest friend ever. I met him when he had just turned 11 years old; he was [and is] a beautiful blonde and blue-eyed boy. He has the most beautiful blue eyes, eyes that sparkled a magnificent shade of blue that I often got goose bumps just looking at him. He is a very shy and quiet boy; it was a miracle that we became friends. He was at a park playing alone whilst his older brother practiced baseball, and I was watching my oldest son only three, playing on the swings. I saw this beautiful boy across the grass and fell instantly in love, he was so beautiful and my heart skipped a beat every time he looked towards me. He continued playing with his ball alone, when, his ball got away from him and rolled towards me, and I dribbled it back to him, but kept it away from him. And, without a word being spoken, we started an instant game of soccer, he was good, but no match for me so I toyed with him, and he seemed to enjoy challenging my skills. We played, without barely talking for almost an hour, then his older brother came over and he had to leave...he told me his name is Brian. And asked if I would return Thursday, and I promised I would [death could not keep me away] and he was gone. After he left I reflected on what had just happened...I had spent the last hour with what I considered the most beautiful boy on the earth...and he was playing with ME, and he enjoyed himself, and he wanted to see me again...yes, I was in seventh heaven. The next Thursday he was at the park before me but ran right over to me when he saw me. I told him that I was happy he was back and I considered him my best friend in the world. He looked at me like I was weird, so I asked him if he mind, and he said "no", and I fell in love even more...we played soccer non stop for almost two hours and again he had to leave, this time he introduced me to his older brother before he left. And again, he made sure that I would be at the park for his brother next practice. And, of course I promised him I would be there. I counted the minutes until I was to see him again and finally the weekend went by and Tuesday came, I left work early to meet him... but he did not show nor his brothers team that usually practiced...I waited until it was dark but my beautiful boy was not to be. Again I counted the minutes until Thursday and rushed to meet him, but again there wasn't any one there, I waited till dark, but he was not to be... I became sad, depressed, I could not eat, could not sleep, the whole world seemed meaningless. I had thought, why would any God introduce me to a boy so pure, so perfect, so beautiful, one that like me so, why would he take him away so abruptly...why... I searched for miles the direction in which he said he lived all weekend, but my beautiful boy was not to be seen. Then, on Sunday, I returned to the park, with hope against hope to find my Brain, when I saw a blonde boy in the distant, and my heart skipped a beat, I ran over to him and he turned, and my heart exploded with pain, it was not Brian... Home I continued living in this bliss of gloom and depression, the days drag by, finally Tuesday came around again and I returned to the park. And my Brain was there! I ran over to him, gone was one week of sorrow and depression, he too was very excited to see me, he thought I was not ever going to return... without thinking I had picked him up and was giving him an incredible bear hug... It turned out his brother's coach had cancelled practice last week, so they did not come to the park. He then told me that his mom wanted to see me when she comes around to collect them later...I became concerned but Brian seemed happy and normal so I did not question why. We played our usual two hours of soccer nonstop... then his mom came by and Brian ran over to her and beckoned me over...I went over and introduced myself to a wonderfully charming lady, she told me that I was the only person her son had spoken of almost nonstop for the last week and wanted to see who I was. It appeared that Brian was infatuated with me as much as I was with him...YES!! We talked bit and Brian wanted me to come over and see his house and his animals and his room. Mom was fine with this and Brian even got to ride in my truck [shotgun] as I followed his mom to his house. He lived exactly two miles from the park on the outskirts of town, they had a horse property with one horse three pure bred dogs two cats and one rodent. Brian room was a tribute to Lego’s and other typical boy stuff [I would later add extensively to his Lego collection, spending many wonderful hours, Brian sitting on my lap, building the complex ones with him]...I also met his two younger brothers, [age 9 and 7] both also cute and they too formed an instant affection to me [and would now accompany Brian on future jaunts to the park since I was there]. Our routine quickly changed and I would collect the boys [all four] and transport them to the park. Brian and I became intensively close and could not stand being apart, as soon as I leave he would call me, whilst driving home and we would talk for hours [I paid heavenly cell phone bills] soon I began spending all my free time at his house, I became a family member and we did everything together. My love for Brian grew to an immeasurable level, we seemed perfect for each other, even his dad acknowledged our mutual infatuation and accepted it...these became the happiest years of my life...I remember one Christmas when the N64 first came out, I had gotten it as a gift for the boys and Brian sat in my lap and we played all day, together, happy to be so close with the person we loved more than anything else in the world... Inseparable My most wonderful moments continued on with Brian. At dinner, my place was set right next to Brian, at special family dinners; I sat with the boys at the "kids" table, next to Brian and would not have it otherwise. The boys and I embarked on many happy adventures together...I once took them to an area called "Vasquez Rocks" [this unique land formation is featured in the Flintstone movie and most memorable in Star Trek]...I remember the day well. It was a beautiful day, blue skies for a million miles. The boys were out of school and I had ditched work. I was driving with Brian, ever so beautiful, riding shotgun...a song came on the radio, Elton John, "Fields of Gold" and we all sang along with it...it was the most happiest moment. We got to the park and we embarked on a climb to the very top of the precipice, only Brian and I made it, we stood at the zenith, me hugging Brian ever so tightly and stared into the beautiful spring day, and life was beautiful. We also hiked around and climb some cliffs in the park. The boys beamed with excitement and I loved and enjoyed every moment of their wonder. Sometimes, there were moments of sadness. Once, Brian's dad made a feeble effort to bond with Brian, as it seem he was now jealous of our incredible attraction for each other. Brian was off school and he planned constructing a playground fort for he and Brian to build. I was not asked to keep away but the message was implicit, so I left them alone and stayed mostly with his younger brothers whilst they worked on the fort. I remember many times looking over at Brian, wanting to be with him, only to see him looking back at me with the same feelings.... I did help out some [dad is an electronic engineer/manager and needed a help with some traditional engineering] but this week was for dad...when the day finally was over Brian would rush over to me and we would wrestle on the trampoline. But, I sensed, the wrestling was just an excuse for us to have a touch, to feel, to be close with each other; as, we hugged each other more than we actually wrestle. We would wrestle a bit and without a word just stop, he would lay his head on my chest and we would stare up at thousands of stars, which filled the night sky, just for our wonderment. I would hug the boy, I loved so much, and wished, we, could remain in that place, under a desert sky, on this night, forever.... Bond Brian's mom knew as all of his family that we had a special bond, it went without question. At Christmas time she would purchase us matching outfits, anything that concerned Brian was discussed with me, nothing was ever planned that did not involved me if it concerned Brian. When it became necessary for him to get glasses [something I discovered] and he was concerned about being "four eyes", I, too got a matching set of prescription glasses. Of all the years we spent together, I could think of only two events that mom questioned our friendship. Once was when we were playing in the back seat of the van, and she turned on the "landing lights" in the van to see what we were doing...The second time was when I would collect Brian, every Friday from school. We would be alone at home for two hours, once she left and returned quietly, ten minutes later. I guess to see what we were up to...Brian and I was quite amused at her attempt at being sultry. Very early on in our friendship, I was kissing Brian, when soon he told me that mom said we should not be kissing...So we kissed only when we were alone. Brian loved to be kissed and I loved kissing him...Brian knew my love for him was special, he wanted it this way... yet this was a paradox: for Brian, was an incredibly shy and quiet boy. Even his close relatives would get a single word answer from him when queried and he never made eye contact...yet with me he would hug without being asked...many times at soccer practice he would come over behind me and hug me as I crouch down giving the team instructions [I was his coach for four years] it was like he was showing the team, "yes I love him and he loves me" Many days of pure bliss occurred between us, and many days of just being in each other presence was enough, I remembered countless hours spent in front of the television playing Nintendo. I would sit my back against the wall and he would sit leaning back unto me...we spent hours playing Mario 64, gathering all 120 stars, then more hours racing on a game called Mario Kart.... One day I drove about 80 miles to a different city to meet Brian at his brother’s baseball game [I had to work and could not take him]. Brian and I usually play together at these games, completely ignoring the game [we are soccer guys]... but on this day Brian behaved differently, he had rode up to the game with his dad. He did not seem to want to play with me and stood next to his mom throughout the game, leaving me alone. When the game was over he went to ride home with mom in the van, leaving both his dad and myself to drive back alone... I became alarmed and depressed, was I loosing the boy I loved so much...I drove back to his house with my stomach in knots, when they finally arrived, I tried to get him to talk with me but he did not want to...so I went home dejected and wanting to die.... I could not sleep that night and watched the hours ticked away one painful second at a time...I could not wait to see him again, yet dread the thought, of seeing him again...what will he say, what will he do...can I no longer see him...I feared these and everything.... Then, I finally saw him, and, he was his normal loving self again, we played like we always did; however, I hugged him ever so tightly and kissed him ever so much longer...he never said a word about the previous day, never...yet this was an ominous prelude of darker times ahead….. Sorrow My wonderful days with Brian continued, I would go over immediately after work and spend the remainder of the day with him…putting him to bed and kissing him goodnight. It was strange yet somehow I had become a part of his family, with Brian being very special for me. I worked with him doing homework and also helped the other boys…Brains grades were “C’s”, before I had become his friend but quickly shot up to straight “A’s” after I began tutoring him, I also helped his younger brother Kyle who also was struggling. Brian’s dad had hold’s a higher degree than mine, he an engineer/manager that develops super secret spy planes and also teaches at a local university, but he could not relate to the boys. They dreaded having their dad to help them, as it always ended in a disaster. The poor guy had zero concepts in getting across a point to a kid. Kyle would often be reduced to tears and Brian would end up being extremely frustrated… I really felt awful many times coming in and getting a concept across to the boys in a few minutes, only to find out that their dad was trying for hours to get the same point across. Eventually, he just gave up and let me help them all with homework… Brian and I would play soccer on his front lawn for hours, sometimes, exhausted we would lay on the grass, flat on our backs and stare up at what seemed to be always, a brilliant blue and cloudless sky. I would lay there, with the boy I loved more than life itself, just hugging him…life was so good. Another, pastime of ours was wrestling on the trampoline. We would wrestle and do flips and play many games we invented, often crashing down exhausted on the trampoline…I would stare at this beautiful boy and steal a kiss… One day we did our usual routine, I stayed all that evening, had dinner and tucked him off to bed, then went home…. Then, my phone rang and it was his dad, he said that he would rather that I stopped coming over to see Brian. I felt a pain in my heart that slowly traveled through my entire body, I could barely speak, I said yes, and he hung up…That night was the worst ever for me, my body seemed numb, I felt dizzy and my stomach tighten itself into knots…what did I do… why so suddenly...what is going on with Brian…These thoughts raced again and again in my mind…. Life, became meaningless…I wanted to die…I began searching for a way to die… I decided, a quick and complete method…I would crash my car at top speed [153mph, I had a Porsche at the time] unto a freeway support that was unguarded. I went upstairs, and kissed my three year old son whilst he slept…and drove away…I drove to the area on the highway and got my car up to speed and was going to do it, but, as I reach the area that I was to veer off, my car at that speed over took another car and I would have missed and just ricochet off the dividing rail, I had to turn around and try again…I drove to the next exit and drove back, intent on my mission to kill myself…I reached the exit point to turn around to begin the last few minutes of my life, as I entered the highway to begin my death drive my cell phone rang…It was Brian…he said in a hurried and hushed voice..”I can’t talk now, but call mom, tomorrow”, and he quickly hung up...I pulled over and stopped, my body tingled…the realization of what I was really doing quickly flashed into my mind…I almost hurt the person I dared not ever hurt…my mind became overwhelmed with emotions…I began to cry...really cried…I leaned over and hugged the steering wheel as my body just quiver uncontrollable with emotions…I cried like I never cried before... Tears I returned home in a state of melancholy…a state of extreme apprehension overwhelm me. The seconds dragged by each slower than the one before…the longest night ever, slowly passed by…The dawn and the day finally arrived… and with much trepidation, I called Brian’s mom…I was afraid she would not take my call, yet she did…I asked, why. What has happened…? She told me that some workers [from the neighbor] had said they saw some inappropriate behavior with Brian and me on the trampoline yesterday…I was shocked, for Brian and I merely was wrestling…I told her we were just playing as usual and to talk to Brian. She said they already did and Brian had told them that nothing had happened, but for now she needed some time, then she said she will call me soon…Two restless days went by…I missed Brian so much, I could not do anything…eat...sleep…work…I remained in almost a catatonic state…finally I could not bear waiting any longer…and I called again, his younger brother, Kevin answered, he seemed reluctant to talk to me and would not fetch Brian to the phone, but did take my message for mom to call me. After a short time she did call me, she told me that she understands that I’m in pain, and so was Brian and we set a meeting to talk the following day. We met at the same park where I first met Brian…When Brian saw me he ran over and I picked him up and we hugged each other, both of us had tears in our eyes, he began sobbing and I just held unto him, ever so tight, tears streaming down both our faces… After what seemed like an eternity I had to let him go…mom was visibly moved from our display of affection, His mom asked him to give us a few minutes alone and he went a few yards away playing alone with his ever present soccer ball. While we were talking he would glance so often in our direction, making an instant connection with me, seeking it seemed, assurances that I am still there…Nancy and I talked about how much I loved and needed Brian in my life, she admitted that this week too has been very difficult for her son…he was withdrawn beyond his usual self, he wasn’t eating, he wasn’t interacting with the family…in a sense he was extremely depressed…She wanted us back together, but his dad will be problematic about this, she wanted time to talk with him…She then gave me a hug and said hang in there, you guys will be back together soon, just be patient… Then she allowed me to drive Brian home, and she went off on errands…I drove Brian home, driving the longest two mile ever in my life, I wanted every second I could to be with this boy…Being apart for the first time ever, had made me realized how incredibly in love I was for this boy…we hugged each other tightly as I drove…. I reached his house and carried him in, hugging ever so tightly, then I had to say goodbye… Two days went by before Nancy finally called me and said to meet then at Brian’s older brother baseball game, I can talk with his dad at this time, she said she worked something out, but we must talk…I became hopeful but the apprehension still remained. I met them and began my talk with his dad…he mentioned nothing of our play, but wanted me to cut back on the time spent at his house, I quickly agreed, I did not care, I was just happy to be able to be with the boy I loved so much…I would have agreed to anything…I immediately called Brian and told him the good news…and man and boy was indeed happy…we talked until the cell phone batteries were exhausted…I did not see a moment of the baseball game…I cut back shortly the amount of time spent with Brian, but this lasted only a week, as his dad worked about 80 hours a week and the boys enjoyed my company, life for us , returned to as it was before… Parting Brian and I were only separated twice in the following years, once was when I talked him into going on his class trip into the local mountains. I knew I would miss him terribly, but, I also knew he would rather enjoy himself…The day of the trip I drove him to school and gave him a long hug goodbye…I began missing him the moment I returned to my car and drove home…And, even though I spent the week with his two younger brothers. Many times I found myself staring off into the mountains, thinking somewhere up there was my beloved Brian…Friday came and it was finally time to collect him from school, I stood amongst the many other parents waiting to be reunited with their sons and daughter, knowing no one here can match the yearning I had to see a loved one returned. The buses arrived and about a hundred kids disembarked, anxiously peering at the crowds to find a familiar face. I could not see my Brian, I walked past a boy in a baseball hat, that was very tanned, then, in an instant realized it was my Brian, he looked at me and smiled…and I went over and hugged, this boy, whom has captured all my love, right in front of his entire class…No one paid us a moment attention, they walked past oblivious of the incredible love we shared…Most thought I was his dad, only his best friend at school knew who I was…The second time we were to be separated was for his dad ritual. Whenever his son turns 13, he would take them on a road trip up north to visit the grandparents. On this trip he would have the “Birds n Bees” talk. Brian and I had long discussed sex, but he dreaded looking forward to the imminent discussion. He was torn about leaving, the trip excited him and he wanted to see his grandparents but did not want to be away from me so long…We talked about it and I promised to call him every night exactly at 8:00 pm. I remembered being the last person to hug him bye and watched as dad drove my loved boy away from me, his wave goodbye, growing smaller and smaller, then he was gone, again. I spent this week also with the two younger boys, they seemed happy to have my attention now, solely on them without having to be second to Brian, and, even though I loved them very much and they loved me, my heart still ached for Brian…. I missed every moment that he was away from me. Death Brian soon returned to me and we remained inseparable as the years flew by. We enjoyed life moments; made so much greater, by the company of each other ‘s presence. He, with my constant help, continued doing remarkable in school. In the fall I coached his soccer team. Yet, the summers were made specifically for us. Many a summer days was spent embarking on some adventure, man and boy, together, loved. We had a happiness, rivaled only by and endless blue sky…And, this blue eyed angel, was mine, in all his beauty, his being, his most kind and caring self, the most marvelous boy ever. Nothing, it seems would ever intrude upon us. We were perfect we made each other complete. I had thought we could never be torn apart. If it was only so…. After Brian entered the 11th grade, he seemed a bit distracted…something was bothering him, yet, when queried, he denied any thing being wrong. But, many times, I would stare at my loved, blue eyes and I could tell, he was miles away… One day he came to me and asked about a girl that was bothering him to accompany her to a school dance. I asked him if he liked her, was she nice, would he want to go with her…? He answered yes to these and I suggested he should go…and he did. And, in that one dance, that one instant, Brian was gone…Gone was the most wonderful caring, loving boy I had ever knew…gone to a girl, whose evil was only beginning. Brian, from now on spent all of his time with his new girlfriend, he made and cancelled numerous times with me. She had replaced me, almost overnight, as Brian spent every free moment with her…I would come over only to learn that he was with her or is preparing to go with her. A great sadness overwhelmed me. My only solace was that Kyle, now seek out and captured my attention, I began spending all my time with Kyle, as Brian no longer had time for me. Yet even though, I was enjoying Kyle friendship, I missed Brian dearly... I finally got an audience with him and we drove to the park where we had first met. I asked him if he still loves me and he quickly replied yes, but when I asked why there is no more time in his life for me, he only looked at the floor and could not answer. I told him that if he really did love me he would not exclude me from his life; he would not leave me alone, as he now so often has. I then asked him a question that I know would tear my heart if he answered what I feared he would. I asked if he had a choice of only one of us in his life who would it be…? Brian waited for almost three minutes then looked at the floor again and answered. And for the second time in recent years, my body went numb with pain, with hurt. I sat in the car just staring off at nothing and tears began flowing down my cheeks, the tears just flowed uncontrollably…Brain upon seeing this too began crying and we held each other and just cried… I was to give him, his freedom, he knew of this, yet, his love for me, was enough for him to feel the pain he no doubt, would cause me… I wipe the tears away and I kissed him, just once more. Then, without a word, we drove home, the silence between us, we were ever so close yet, kept apart by an invisible wall, like glass, we could see, but had lost our ability to reach out and touch each other… Kyle Brian now devoted all of his time to Nikki, he would spent all times after school with her or would bring her home. I withdrew into the company of Kyle’s burgeoning friendship. I had come to love this boy very much and did my best to ignore Brian and the witch. I devoted all my time to his every whim and he thoroughly relished in my affection. There were moments that Brian made a feeble attempt at civility, when she was not around; and he would come to me with great enthusiasm proud over a grade he received from school, but I would simply remained aloof and reply “that’s nice” instead of my customary praise and adulations. He had hurt me and even though I loved him so, I wanted him to feel some of the hurt he had bestowed upon me. He eventually stopped even these and I gave Kyle my total attention, And so it was, we soon hardly said hi to each other. Like the leaves of fall, our friendship also seemed to have fallen and died. Nikki slowly entrenched herself into the family. She started spending as much time as I did with them. She even had the audacity to try and take my place [between Brian and Kyle] at the dinner table. Once she secured Brian, she began working on Kevin [Brian’s younger brother]. And, soon, the boy that once wrote about me being his best, best, [page full of “best”] friend, began to turn against me…then, Kevin was gone… Nikki then turned her attention to Kyle, but Kyle loved me and he resisted her futile attempts. Fall soon yields into winter and Christmas beckoned. And, the yearly ritual of Brian and mom and me trimming the tree was not to be. Brian went off to Nikki’s leaving his toy red bi-plane to Kyle. We trimmed the tree with Kyle happily taking Brian place, where, now, Kyle and I played with the bi-planes around the tree. My yellow aeroplane engaged in playful dogfight against the red one, now with a new pilot. On Christmas morning 1999, Brain seemed happy, [as he always was at Christmas] I had already presented their gifts and he was leaving to spend the day with her. I went to his room; a room that once held countless Lego’s now long discarded under orders from her. Brian was connecting his stereo, and I offered to help, he, surprisingly accepted and we got the stereo plugged in correctly. I then asked for a special Christmas gift. He thought very briefly then said yes. And, on the last Christmas of this century, I once again kissed the boy I loved so much…. He then left for Nikki’s and I returned to Kyle, who now sat in my lap all this Christmas day, as we played with his new toys… Soon it was the New Year celebration, and off they went, my Kyle, Brian, Nikki and the rest of the family to celebrate without me…So, whilst the world revel in the passing of one millennium and the beginning of a another, I went to sleep early, my heart sadden at its loneliness. Then, somewhere in the night, a thousand years went by and a thousand years began… Goodbye Nikki soon got Brian’s mom on her side and she now became cold and distant towards me. Together, they pressured Kyle for still loving me. This fact pained me. I loved Kyle now so much that it would hurt me so to say goodbye, but it was something that I had to do… I wrote Nancy a letter of goodbye. And took Kyle to our park, and explained why I could not see him any more. He cried, and I for the third time at that same park cried. Yet, even though deeply sadden, he understood. He said he would never forget me, ever and we had our last hug and kiss. I watched him walked inside…no one else came out to say goodbye…. I drove away for the last time. Away, from what was my second home for five years. All the memories of things we did still so vivid. I did not cry, for somehow I knew this day would be, and now that it finally happened, I was at peace with myself. I was to miss Kyle so dearly, for months. The winter of my discontent melted into spring, and still, my heart carried the burden of someone missing. Kyle was a convenient distraction after Brian left but I had grown to love him as much, as I loved Brian. My heart ached so. I had other friends yet these two remained paramount in my mind. I remained in a state of melancholy; no one it seemed could bring me out of my sadness. Beauty Summer finally arrived, and swimming at the local pool, I met the cute lil David, and life began to sparkle once more. This boy for some reason made me so happy. Where Cory and Garrett failed, David without trying made life wonderful for me once more…but life would soon be even brighter for a while. One week after meeting David, I surfaced after swimming the length of the pool under water, to stare into the most beautiful boy this planet has to offer. Yes, I was looking at Aaron. He was back, more beautiful than before, and he remembered me instantly and was happy to see me. We were reunited after a year’s absence, and now we enjoyed each other’s love… For the next five weeks. I was in heaven on earth. Aaron and i had fun at the pool and at the park. He loved the attention I gave to him and I loved making this beautiful, charming, angel on earth happy. The last time I was to see him, he had kissed me twice, whilst I hugged him. Then, upon leaving he had his grandmother stopped her car and he rolled his window down and said "I love you". That was the last time I was to see this boy again. His last week here he becamed ill, and his grandnother did not wanted him to bother me with a call. I would have traveled to the ends of the earth to see this boy once more, especially since he was ill. I must now wait until next year. Then we will have our five weeks in the summer once more. Yet meeting Aaron again made me a very happy man indeed. Soon, I hired Brian to baby-sit for me and at times his old self would come out, but these moments were fleeting, but we were now friends [kind of]. At the close of summer Brain called, he needed help; he was being kicked out of his house for stealing the car for Nikki’s sake. The family now ostracized Nikki, as her evil became apparent. As I still loved Brain I helped him and kept him in college whilst I arrange a talk with Nancy to help resolve the problems with Brain. My intervention worked, I had a very long talk with Nancy and resolved the problems for Brian. He could now return home. Nancy apologized for how she treated me earlier. Kyle was happy to see me again and we had a year and a half of moments to catch up on, but he was so happy to see me. He kept hugging me and I the same…. Brian and I are now close friends, we still wrestle like lilttle boys, he is still with the witch that is now living with his family, but she has learned to respect what we had, the deep bond of friendship that only be attained over time. The boy that grew up as my best friend is mine again, now as before, but as a true life long friend...he still loves me, and I love him. This is as it should be.... -------------------- Integer vitae scelecisque purus |
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