Re: Followup to Curious
Submitted by Reason Filled on 2002-09-9 14:04:26, Monday
In reply to Followup to Curious submitted by Drifter on 2002-08-2 23:14:25, Friday
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My dad left when I was 8. He isn't much of a "lover" anyways. I get pissed sometimes for inheriting that, just by knowing him. It is a like fighting the civil war just to make myself say the words "I Love You". I don't ever remember hugging him. This contributes to my guilt with even normal behavior with young boys. I feel as if I am doing something wrong when I show any physical affection to a child, be they any gender. My 6yo nephew is really the only one that I show physical affection to (holding, hugging, ect), and that is only because he makes it easy by always crawling into my lap and almost demanding the attention. And even then, I find that I can only do it when we are alone. I'm afraid of being seen by someone else. Even other kids. Not because I'm afraid they will think I'm a BL (non-bl's hug and show physical affection to kids), but because I feel as if it is not a "manly" thing to do (thanks to my father). And to answer your second question, YES. That is the exact reason I believe I have these feelings. Through self analysis, it seems that I am almost trying to make up for the love (from an adult male) that I never received as a child. Also, my AOA starts exactly at the same age that my father left me and my mom. I think the sexual feelings got mixed in, since all this started when I reached puberty. I really wish that I could pin-point the exact reason that I feel as if sex is a way to show a yf how much you love him, more so than typical physical affection (i.e. hugs&kisses). If I were to take a stab, I might say that perhaps the desire God put into humans for sex, as a physical display of love towards our spouses, was mixed up in my head with my love for boys. Therefore, it is as if my mind projects the love I was intended to have for a female (which I am capable of since I am straight) onto boys. But what do I know? |
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