Re: For the older ones among us
Submitted by Dakota on 2002-11-1 15:03:16, Friday
In reply to For the older ones among us submitted by Drifter on 2002-11-1 13:26:39, Friday
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I never had a computer till about 5 years ago. I've been a pedophile most of my life but never realized or admitted it to myself till about 15 years ago. I must say the hardest time of my life was when I was in denial. I considered myself bi-sexual, but not a pedophile, totally ignoring the fact that I wasn't attracted to men. After finally being forced to admit what I was to myself, there came a time of great distress, thoughts and plans of suicide, self recrimination, etc. I didn't have the internet to go to, to find others like me. I was left with the public's view and what the therapists said about pedophiles. A very good friend of mine, the only person I confided in, couldn't handle it and deserted me. I had nothing left but God. But God was enough. Isn't it funny how the times in our lives when we feel God's presemce most is when everything else has been stripped away? I had been a Christian for years, but it was that time of my life that caused me to REALLY love God. And it was because of a very selfish reason, because He loved me first when I was the most unlovable. I can't explain it in words, but He stayed close to me and let me know He loved me as much as He loved anyone else. And when God Almighty loves you, it makes you think that maybe you aren't so terrible afterall. There is a verse in an Amy Grant song called "El Shaddai" that has become very personal to me. I sometimes get tears in my eyes when I hear it. It goes, "To the outcast on her knees, you were the God who really sees." (I substitute "his" for "her") So in answer to your question, it was God alone who lifted me out of that pit I was in and helped me accept what I was. I got a computer years later and have found the internet and communities like this to be a huge help. If I had a computer at the time, God probably would have led me here then. But in a sense, I'm glad I had nothing else but Him. It was quite an experience. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't comfortable, but I don't regret having to go thru it. I can't say it has turned me into a super Christian. I'm still very imperfect and I still go my own way more than I should. But when life gets hard and circumstances seem piled against me and my future is in doubt, I think back to that time when I had nothing but God. And then I think, compared to what God brought me thru before, is what I'm going thru now really all that bad? Dakota |
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