A mixed blessing but positive here!
Submitted by Jules on 2002-11-2 20:08:19, Saturday
In reply to For the older ones among us submitted by Drifter on 2002-11-1 13:26:39, Friday
|
Hi, I'm an occasional poster here, but I was more regular a couple of years ago. I'm in my mid thirties, so that qualifies me to answer in terms of age, if not wisdom. I hope you don't mind me using this as an opportunity to tell my story, and how the internet fits in, in the end. I shall probably learn more about myself just by writing it... Before the age of the internet, I suppose in one sense I was blissfully ignorant. I didn't think of myself as a peodophile. Because I'd grown up fancying other boys my own age, and even in my twenties still felt like a boy inside, it never occurred to me that I was an adult attracted to children. That was for dirty old men, and I wasn't dirty, or old, or even a man! (Men were grown up and hairy, but I still liked to think of myself as not yet a man, even though in fact I was becoming more hairy. I suppose this is why, even now, I like trim my pubes short from time to time, and why I sometimes wish I had the courage to shave them all off just to be a boy again...) I was brought up to believe that being "gay" was wrong, but in my teens I found that's what they called me at school, because of the attention I gave to certain other boys. If I was asked if I was gay, I would always say no, out of fear of being known as something sinful, even though deep down I suppose I would have thought I was, but never admitted it to myself. I realise now that I became quite an angry person, internally, through defending myself to myself in this way. Then in my twenties I found that I still fancied boys the age I was when it first became an issue for me at school, but didn't fancy men my own age or older. I naturally felt at home with boys, because deep down part of me was still a boy. At first this didn't seem too significant to me. It was still a "gay" thing, but which I still denied to myself, because I couldn't bring myself to think of myself as something the church preached against. But what happened at some point in my twenties, is that I realised that the normal public definition of "gay" was a man who goes for other men, and I didn't feel like that at all. In fact, the idea of going for another man my age or older filled me with revulsion, and still does, as does most of the adult gay subculture. (I should make it clear that's a personal preference, not a judgment! Although at that time, I considered all homosexuality wrong, I no longer do.) So if anyone had asked me if I was gay I'd have said no, with more confidence than before. At last I'd found a reason to justify to myself that I wasn't gay. I wasn't "gay", because that was an adult-adult thing, while I was simply a slightly older "boy" who fancied slightly younger boys. Thinking of it that way meant I tried to feel OK privately, and before God, about the church's preaching against homosexuality, even though it was still uncomfortable and embarassing to hear it preached! Enter, stage right, the Internet. In fact the internet may have entered as part of the last change above; I can't remember for sure. What I do remember is that the first chance I had to explore the internet, the thing I most wanted to find was naked boys. And I found them. Nothing illegal, just good wholesome "non-pornographic pictures of the nude young male form..." And so it was that the internet put a label to my attraction, as I found the term "boylover" frequently mixed in with the pictures... And I felt good about it; I could now tell myself what I was, without feeling bad about it. I had never admitted to myself to being "gay" but I was now quite happy to say to myself "I am a boylover". I began to read how certain forms of boylove were normal, even idealised, in many traditional societies, and felt almost glad to be part of such a noble tradition. I wasn't gay, and I wasn't a child molester, I was a genuine boylover. I still knew that people in church would seriously object to this, but somehow I felt a bit better that I was no longer condemned with the adult gays. Yet at around the same time I had two incidents, the first of their kind, where I was too friendly or forced affection on boys, and got into trouble for it in my church. Up until then, I had always controlled my feelings, but something had gone too far. Had the internet changed me for the worse, or did my internet activity simply reflect what was happening inside anyway? Did the new-found confidence in my identity lead directly to my lack of self-control? Did seeing that some men, somewhere in the world, got on so well with boys that they were able to take pictures of them willingly naked, lead me to aspire to that sort of closeness, in a way I had not had since my own childhood (bringing back memories of my one and only boyfriend when we were both 12)? Even now I can't say for sure, but I do think that identifying with the boylove culture, while living in a society that rejects it, was a mixed blessing for me. I suspect that without the internet, I would not have had those incidents, and would still have never gone beyond furtive glances at boys' willies in the swimming pool changing room. And yet, without the internet, I would also have remained unhappy and guilt-ridden. Because... Following the second of those incidents, which was the more serious in terms of the offence caused, it was not long before I stumbled across this board. And so began the recovery; the chance to understand myself more by writing about myself, and receiving a loving welcome. This board became a bit of an occasional journal for me, where I could write things about myself that I would never have dared write on paper, and where I got wonderful replies from people who cared about my situation, and who even said some nice things about my theology! The nature of the internet is such that probably all of us relate to our brothers (and sisters!) here differently from the way we relate to people in real life. And yet the process of opening up here certainly helped me to become more open in real life, to the extent that I was once able to share in front of a group of Christians on a retreat that I had always struggled with my sexuality (without being more specific than that!). I would never have done that without first having been able to share here. It was also a very positive step for me meeting someone from here in real life, and bringing the two worlds together without paranoia. It can be the case that people here are just names (even though some are names with strong characters!), but once you've met someone else for real who's been through the same thing, you have more confidence that the online community is authentic and valuable, and probably most people here are who they say they are. I hope I'll meet more of you in time, and I also hope I'll be able draw in others in real life who I either suspect or know have been through the same things, but who as far as I know haven't been here (e.g. a friend who has shared generally about sexual issues, or a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend who has been imprisoned for an offence against a boy). Of course that's a very risky thing to do that way round, but if the moment was right, I might just have the confidence to raise the subject with a friend here or there who has shared about struggling with sexuality, knowing that there is a community that can help them if their particular issue matches ours. Without having been here first, I know I could never do that. But also without having met someone from here in real life, I doubt I could ever do it either. I suppose what I'm saying is that I see this board as a way of prompting and helping people to find support in real life, to build support networks, and to reach out to others in need in real life, and not just to share online. The anonymous online stuff comes first, but it is great if it leads to more. Well that's about it for now; hope it's of some interest; maybe someone here finds it matches with their own experience and is helpful as well. The answer to the question? A mixed blessing as regards the general online BL community, but totally positive as regards this board! God bess you all, and keep on talking! With Christian love, Jules |
Follow ups: