Prelude to Divinity
Submitted by Thumb on February 10 1999 at 01:41:25
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Hi. I'm nineteen years old, and ever since I got hooked up to the Internet, I've been searching for answers to questions I've been asking myself for years. I have not been successful in finding these answers, not as of yet anyway, but I do intend to share with you my troubled thoughts. For many years now, I have found extraordinary companionship in children. For one thing, I have this magnetic effect on little kids. They seem to like me a lot, and seek my presence. Maybe that's how it all started, ever so many years ago. But I am unable to recall when, or in what way, this came to be. Of all the kids that have surrounded me throughout the years, there have been a few young boys that have stood out from the crowd. These boys became my very dear friends, and I felt tremendous love for them. With time, I started to seek their presence as much as they sought mine - and if I didn't meet them every day, the days would be incomplete. I started to feel emotionally addicted to them, and suffered a lot of ridicule by the hands of my older companions, for spending so much time with my younger companions. But my love for them didn't stop. It grew ever stronger with every week, every month, and every year that passed. And I started to question myself: "Why am I doing this? Why do I feel this? Is there something wrong with me?" My group of little friends changed throughout the years though. Some moved away, others just grew older and found other things. And my questioning of my affection for them began to take its toll. I started to avoid them, simply because I was afraid of my feelings. I tried to focus on other things, but I couldn't get away from it. It kept pulling me back. But during the time of my torment of doubt, my group of little friends grew ever smaller. I lost contact with them. But my feelings always stayed the same. Finally I faced my true self. This seemed to be the only part of me that always stayed true, and pure. But ironically, it was also the part of me I tried so hard to shut out and ignore. I couldn't bluff myself any longer. But, even though I looked my affection in the eye, I had no understanding of why I was like this - and still am. Two years ago, I met a seven-year-old boy, who changed my life completely. My passion had drawn me to work at daycamps for kids, during the summertime. And it was on one of those summers that I met him. The moment I laid eyes on him, I fell in love. He was a shy little boy, dark haired, brown eyed - an angel, sent to me from Heaven. Our relationship started out like so many other youngster-befriends-elder relationships, playfully and casually. I would play with him every day at the daycamp, carry him on my back when we went on a field trip with the daycamps - and before the summer was over, we were hooked on each other. I still remember how emotional I was when we said our final "goodbye" when the summer was over. I was crying inside over the fact that I would probably not see him all year. We had made a pinky promise to one another that we would return to the daycamps next summer, and that we would not forget each other. And that winter, he was all I could think about every night. That winter, though it was not a particularly cold winter, was the hardest winter of my life - there were even times when I thought I wouldn't make it through. But I did - and summer came, brighter than it had ever been before. I was so nervous my first day of work at the daycamps that summer. Maybe it was the suspense of finally seeing him again. Maybe it was the fear that something had changed, or even the doubt that maybe he wouldn't return. And I shivered like a straw in a November breeze. I might tell you stories of our friendship in later posts, but I've gone way beyond my point here. What I set out to say, was that I've been looking so hard for some examples of these kinds of experiences. Some hint to why I am like this. "Boylove" is what has come closest to it, and I have posted on many other post boards and chatsites related to the issue. "Boychat " was one of those sites. I thought I had found a group of people just like me. I was wrong. It turned out that to so many of them, relationships with younger boys revolved around sex, and the right to have sex with them as long as it was their voluntary choice. I found what the people were expressing on "Boychat" to be more like pedophilia than admiration, or emotional addiction to younger boys. That was not what I was looking for, so I never returned to "Boychat" again. Here I feel like I might have found something significant. At least I feel that the Christian Boylove Forum is a refuge for me, where I can tell you about me and my friend, and my affection for him. A place where I can ask questions, and get answers - express me and get a warm response, instead of being branded as "weird" and "non-belonging". I do realize that this post has been rather long, and is screaming for an ending. But I just had to get this stuff off my back, and I'm sure some of you will understand. I hope to come here often, and read what others have to say as well as adding to the discussion and sharing my experiences. If you're still with me, thank you so much for reading this whole thing. It means a lot to me. God bless you all! Sincerely yours, Thumb |