So many replies
Submitted by F.O.D. on February 10 1999 at 15:27:25
In reply to Re: You mean it's not as bad as I fear? Submitted by Heather on February 09 1999 at 19:45:34
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and much to think over. I decided I'll respond to each of you one by one. since you regard yourself as homosexual Actually I use the phrase "I'm gay" as a kind of shorthand. Really, I'm bi. Really really, I'm confused. Heather, when you use the phrase "sexually active", do you mean "sexually promiscious"? I'm certainly not that. Nor am I "sexually active" in the sense of having a monogamous partner. You're right in assuming I am a celibate boylover (celibate homosexual) ((celibate *-sexual)). But that's not what I want. That's the crux of the angst for me. "It's not good for the man to be alone" I want to have someone with whom I can be sexually intimate. (And I want that someone to be my YF, though getting into specifics over whom is a different question). I think I would be prefectly happy to acknowledge that I am attracted to other males, if I were also happy to never consummate that attraction, if I were happy to be the eunuch. But I'm not happy with that. I don't want to be a "eunuch". I want to be able to have an intimate friendship with another person. I'm not acting on the attraction, but I wish I could, and I worry about how long I can resist from acting on it. And then there is the other point that Ray brought up: maybe I don't have to be resisting it. For me, if I were to talk about it, I'd be happy to identify myself as "gay" rather than as "boylover". For me it's a moot distinction. "I'm gay, and the male I'm in love with happens to be 15." He won't stay 15 forever. He's already not 13... I would consider it an honour to share his first real shaving experience. For me the intergenerational aspect just becomes a question of godly timing, holding off and waiting for the right time to consummate (I love that word ;) our love, as any hetero couple would wait for the right time for marriage and sex. That's why the homosexual question is more important for me than the intergenerational question. By the way, I suspect I've managed to confuse you with my YFs (I seem to be quite good at confusing people). The one I rang, who belongs to the family I'm almost part of, he is 15, but I haven't seen him in person for a few years now. I enjoy his friendship, but aren't looking for an intimate relationship with him. But my closest YF, E, the one I hope to see over summer, he's a different boy and lives thousands of miles away from the first. He is the one I am in love with, for better or for worse. He is also 15, in fact for a while I thought they were "twins", till I finally realised there is actually two weeks between them. tell your young friend's dad, "I'm a celibate homosexual. . . . Well, I'm celibate at the moment. . . . I'm still thinking about it. . . . Mind if I take your son out to the park?" Yes, I can see maybe I don't have to spill all the beans :) Hard to know, since his boys are older. It's just that I hate not being able to share what paths I have really been walking over in this adventure of life with God. I feel like I keep talking in circles. I probably should take you up on your offer of talking to your gay and ex-gay friends, but I guess I get shy or something. I'm concerned they will want to badger me into adhering to their own agenda, rather than being truly concerned about me. Thanks for your thoughts, F.O.D. who is hetero, it's just that he's attracted to guys more than girls...???? ;) |