Re: Christopher's Brother
Submitted by Tedd on February 18 1999 at 03:19:56
In reply to Re: Christopher's Brother Submitted by Thumb on February 18 1999 at 02:17:02
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Thum, I thank you for your words of support and understanding. It is now 2:00AM and in a short time I will go to bury Josh. Try as I might, I cannot sleep. The feelings you said you felt when your father passed were, I believe, much the same that Josh felt when his father left. He believed that it was his responsibility to care for his mother and brother in his father's absence. In doing so, he grew up way too fast. He did not allow himself to be a child, or to dream children's dreams. Still, for his efforts, he was a hero as you said. I sit here at this keyboard and am looking at Chris. I cannot help but wonder what this will do to him. Will he loose any of his child dreams? I wonder what he is dreaming now, as I type my problems into this machine that is fast becoming society's way of hiding. Perhaps I am hiding here, in this machine, in this group that I only recently discovered. But I thank God for it, I thank him for allowing me the oprotunity to vent my feelings of guilt, pain, and loss in a way that does not reveal who I am. In this way, I do not have to face the "Real" world where I would only recieve a "I'm sorry" or "That is terrible", but able to get others' true feelings. I look at Chris lying in his bed, and I see in him his brother. I see his brother's strengths, and his weaknesses. This scares me. How much like Josh will Chris become. Although I know that it sounds selfish, or cruel. I do not want him to be like his brother. I do not want him to make the same mistakes. I want him to continue to be the boy that I love, the boy that I know loves me. Will he blame me for his brother's death? I don't know, but if he does, I will still love him. His brother looked much like he does as he slept. Peacfull, inocent, a small crook to his mouth as he mumbles under his breath to someone only he can see. Well, I have mumbled on enough myself. I will go again and look up other sites to try and take my mind off of what is to come later today. Once again, thank you for your response to my post. I definitley helped me understand my part in Josh's death. Although it will take time, alot of time, before I can come to grips with it. God Bless, Tedd |