Re: Christopher's Brother
Submitted by Thumb on February 18 1999 at 02:17:02
In reply to Christopher's Brother Submitted by Tedd on February 17 1999 at 22:23:52
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Hi Tedd. Reading your post brought me to tears. I can't possibly tell you how much I feel for you and the rest of Josh's family. It is so terrible when young people feel that they are so lost, that the only way to salvation is to take their own lives. I can't help wishing that I could do something, give you a hug, a handshake - just to express to you how sorry I am to hear of Josh's death. The words I am forced to work with, lack all the color and the sincerity of how I truly feel. But Tedd, please don't blame this on yourself - don't do that to yourself. You loved him, you did what you could - but you are only human, as is the rest of us. And there's is only so much we can do to change the way things turn out for us and those around us. We are not miraclemakers, we are not able to foretell the future. It's fully understandable that you feel as if you have something unresolved between you and Josh, that you could have said something more, done something more - loved him a little more. But believe me when I tell you, that there probably was no way that you could have loved him any more than you already did. You loved him so much, and he knew it. He sensed it. But it seems that he was unable to make himself believe it. It is a problem for some, to accept the affection that they are given. But that doesn't mean that your love was in vain. To human beings, love is like the sunshine is to flowers - it nurtures us and makes us grow, and bloom. The flowers may not know that the sun embraces them every day with its warm love and affection, but nevertheless, they grow and become more beautiful because of it. It is the same with us, we don't have to be aware of the love we are given so that it can fill our lives. If the love is there, it embraces us no matter how hard we try to hide from it. I lost my father when I was eleven years old. He died of lung cancer. I remember how I felt that I could have told him more often just how much I loved him. But he knew, and he loved me back. After his death, I also felt like I had to take care of my mom and my brother. I felt that I had to fill my father's shoes. That is exactly what Josh did, and for doing that, he is a true hero. But with such responsibility, we grow older in spirit than we actually are. And we are in great danger of closing up emotionally, as a result of jumping a few years ahead in our lives. I don't know if this makes any sense to you, or if you can even see the point that I'm trying to make. But, I guess what I'm trying to say is: You loved Josh, you did what you could to make him realize just how much he meant to you, but even so you couldn't possibly change his character. So, don't blame his death on yourself. Keep in mind that the good times you experienced with him, he experienced as well. You shared a part of your lives with each other, and you both will come to realize just what a miracle it was that your paths crossed in life. You may realize it now, and he will realize it in Paradise. Stay strong, and stay with your friends. They need you there, and you will be of great support to each other. You have obviously long since become a member of their family, and this family needs to stay together. I'm frustrated over how hard it is for me to express what I feel in words and sentences. Just know, that you guys will all be in my prayers - and so will Josh. I admire you for being able to share this with us, and there is a lot of love for you here on the Christian Boylove Forum. If you feel you're about to burst, and don't have anyone to talk to about it - remember that we are here for you. And we will do all we can to give you the support that you need - even if it's only in words and sentences. God bless you, Chris, and his mom - and rest assured that God has Josh on his lap right now, helping him to overcome the tremendous sorrow he must feel. And God's angels will be with all of you, every step of the way. Lots of love. Yours truly, Thumb |