Christopher's Brother
Submitted by Tedd on February 17 1999 at 22:23:52
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Hi all, It's me again. First, I would like to thank all for the wonderfull and caring responses to my previous posts. Unfortunatley, this post is the hardest one I have ever attempted. Perhaps you remember my post entitled "May the Lord Hold him and Keep Him" about a young boy that passed away as I was working in a hospital. And perhaps you remember my post entitled "My Friend Christopher". This post conserns Christopher's brother, Joshua. As you may remember, me and Christopher were very close. But, no matter how hard I tried, or how much I wanted it, I could not get as close to Joshua. He was 8 years old when I first met him. (He is 3 years Chris' elder). I tried and tried to get close to him, but his shell was never weakened. After they moved to Alabama and me to Mississippi, me and Chris continued to keep in touch, but Josh lost contact. I would call from time to time and speak with Chris and ask to speak with Josh, but Josh was either not interested, or if he did take the phone, his conversation consisted of yes and no, and not much else. Josh turned 16 recently, and for the past few years has been in alot of trouble, I.E. drugs, stealing, expelled from school. His mother tried to control him, but eventually had to allow the state to take over his care. She called me the day they took him away (Forcfully) and to an institution for juvinell offenders. She was in tears, as was I. I took a trip to Alabama as soon as I could to console and help Chris and his mom as long as I could. I left and returned home after a few days and went on about my life. Thinking every day about Chris and Josh. Two days ago, Chris' mom called me to inform me that Joshua had taken his life. He aparently cut his wrists with a knife he got out of the cafateria. He was not considered suicidle and I guess that is why he was able to smuggle the knife out. Needles to say, I imediatley went to Chris and his mom's side. We go to the funeral tommorow. I am writing this from my laptop in Chris' room. As I remember Josh, I remember alot of good times, and alot of bad. He was always very self dependant and did not like the idea that I was always with them. I think he was of the mind that when his father left, he was the man of the house. As I sit here looking at Chris sleeping, his eyes still red from the days crying for his brother, I cannot help but to think that it is, at least in part, my fault. Did I spend too much time with them, did I give him the impression that I was trying to fill his father's shoes? Could I have tried just a little harder to gain Josh's love and trust? As I looked upon him earlier today in the coffin, I saw the Josh that I met when he was 8. The Josh that wanted to be a lawyer when he grew up, the Josh that loved school, the Josh that would do anything to protect his brother at school when bullies messed with him. His mother has tried to convince me that no one is to blame, that Josh was just not able to take authority. It surprises me how well she is taking this, she cried, sure. She cried for two days. But I guess she has accepted the fact that her son is gone. Maybe having Chris to take care of allows her to maybe deal with it a little easier. As for me, I cannot help but think that I could have done something, however little, to prevent this tragedy. Perhaps a few more hugs while he was young. Perhaps if I told him more that I loved him, even though he hated when I said that. Perhaps a few more simple gestures of love, a touch, a look. Maybe some of these things would have made a difference, perhaps not, I will never know. But I will also never compleatly forgive myself for not being able to get as close to him as I so desperatley wanted to. I thank you for listning, and I ask for your prayers for Chris and his family in this horrible time. I must go now and try to get some sleep, we have a long and trying day tommorrow. I will try to keep you informed. (To Joshua, I will miss you terribly. I love you Josh, I can only pray that you have forgiven me for anyt hing I failed to do to show you how much I truly do love you. Now, take the hand of God and allow him to lead you to the paradice you so richly deserve. Goodbye Josh, untill we meet again next to our Lord.) |