What a wonderful post
Submitted by Heather on March 19 1999 at 18:31:30
In reply to Hello - Any Advice for a Husband? (Long Message) Submitted by Pat on March 19 1999 at 13:16:12
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I can't tell you how many times I've read posts from boylovers saying, "I'm terrified of my girlfriend/wife finding out about me." Or worse, "I told my girlfriend/wife, and she left me." It's so nice to meet somebody who's willing to go the extra mile to try to help a spouse. (By the way, you're male, I take it? Between the "mother hen" reference and the "altar boy" reference, I wasn't quite sure.) At the risk of plugging my own site, you might take a look at the link below. With your gay connection, I imagine both you have already been through the wringer already in trying to reconcile your sexuality with your Catholic heritage; you've probably already tackled a lot of the tough issues. I know a couple of Catholic boylovers, and they tell me that the climate in the gay Catholic community has changed over time, so that it's much harder these days to talk about being a boylover. At any rate, I hope that your husband is a member of Dignity or some other gay Catholic organization that can at least help him with that part of his sexuality. It sounds to me as though you're already doing a terrific job with him. You can't force somebody to seek out support; the only action I can suggest is getting involved yourself in boylove support groups like CBF - that would help solve the "interest we don't share in common" problem that you mentioned. There really ought to be a separate board for relatives and friends of boylovers, but in the meantime people like us remain welcome at these boards, and perhaps talking with other boylovers would help you to understand more about what Pat is going through. And if you shared what you'd learned with him, perhaps he'd eventually be interested enough to seek out support for himself. The main thing he needs to know - and what he should already know from being a gay Catholic - is that the Catholic Church does not condemn anyone for sexual desires; it simply judges sexual behavior. Since you two are married and presumably committed to each other, he is (from a liberal Catholic point of view) morally in the clear. What the U.S. bishops said in 1991 is quite relevant here: "Mindful of the inherent and abiding dignity of every human person, we reaffirm what we wrote in 1976, namely, that 'homosexual [persons], like everyone else, should not suffer from prejudice against their basic human rights. They have a right to respect, friendship, and justice. They should have an active role in the Christian community.' We echo strongly the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which, in a 1986 document, stated, 'It is deplorable that homosexual persons have been and are the object of violent malice in speech or in action. Such treatment deserves condemnation from the Church's pastors wherever it occurs.' "We call on all Christians and citizens of good will to own fears about homosexuality and to curb the humor and discrimination that offend homosexual persons. We understand that having a homosexual orientation brings with it enough anxiety, pain, and issues related to self-acceptance without society adding additional prejudicial treatment." Some day, I fully expect that the bishops will issue a similar statement about pedophiles. In the meantime, Pat should know that, while the Catholic Church has condemned sex between adults and minors as well as the use of child pornography, to my knowledge it has never officially condemned anyone merely for having pedophilic desires. (Unofficially, of course, church members can show horrible prejudice.) To condemn someone for having sexual desires he didn't choose would go against everything the Catholic Church has said elsewhere about sexuality. Hope this helps, and I hope you stick around to chat. Heather |