A Word of Thanks
Submitted by Ben on March 29 1999 at 08:04:52
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Just a word of thanks to God this weekend, for showing me (unearned and undeserved) yet another sign of grace and love. Last week was a struggle for me, as my faith waned, my mission and my motives became less clear and my struggle to know Jesus ever so strained. I was feeling sick, I was not concentrating on my job, I was concerned that the twins were falling from my life and my ability to pray daily was impeded by those other concerns, things that should not have been a priority. I prayed that God would give me the strength to put him first, above all other things that I wanted in my life, so that I could continue to follow him and to hear the Word. This weekend my prayers were answered in every way that I could have imagined. During my Saturday bible study I really did focus on what I was doing, really did get down to "business" and learn the way that I should be learning. On Saturday night, I spent the entire night with the twins while their parents went out. Even though I wasn't "babysitting" the parents showed me their trust, extended their love for me, by asking me to "stick around" for the night if I wanted to. If I wanted to! What more could I ever want to do?! So, all night long I played games with the twins, watched basketball on TV and finally got them ready for bed. How tender the moments felt to me, standing behind them at the bathroom mirror as they brushed their teeth before bed, seeing just their faces and mine. When one of them got tired later on at night, he lay on the floor in a fetal position, pretending to be asleep, just so that I would carry him upstairs. To have that blonde hair against my chest, that warm innocent body against mine, gave me a feeling of love that truly transcended anything sexual. Strange, even though I was as close to the twins that night as I had ever been, saw them in their sleeveless tank tops (a sure turn on for me), I was not aroused. Not that I would ever do anything about that arousal anyways (for I have vowed that I would never), but the fact that what I felt was unsexual love, but protective love, meant that God was with me. The next day, church was inspirational and motivational. The sermon was awesome and strengthened further my faith. Already, people know me there, they hug me when I come in and invite me over for dinner. How TOTALLY amazed I am at the richness of my life, the richness of friendships, of learning, of committing my life to God's way and if nothing else can remind me of God's gift, the love of the twins surely does. And I do not deserve ANY of this! I am totally unworthy of this grace...and I am not saying it because I am supposed to say it. I believe it...totally...completely....have always felt that I am undeserving of any love. Much less God's. Okay, I am rambling. I am just too thankful to keep it quiet :) Have an awesome day guys and God be with you....Jesus too. You are not alone. 
Ben |