shame, shame
Submitted by F.O.D. on April 10 1999 at 15:18:05
In reply to Your survey Submitted by Mark on April 09 1999 at 22:31:34
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hehe Mark that was interesting how you never thought of acting on your feelings, being too shamed about it. I was quite the opposite. At 13 or 14 I had sexual thoughts about a couple of boys my age, and didn't have a clue in the world that it was shameful. I figured doing something with another boy was just the same as masturbating, and therefore no big deal. (I did understand that doing something sexual with a girl was out-of-bounds). It was only later at about 15, discovering the homosexual texts in the Bible (I think I read about Sodom first) that I started feeling shameful about my feelings. Two ironies here - while I didn't feel any shame over it at first, I never did have the chance to actually do anything. Secondly, I am presently trying to confirm that homosexuality is shameful, and doing a poor job of it. I'm almost inclined to come back to my original position that it's not intrinsically shameful (though I'd still think that acting on it then would have been wrong, only for different reasons related to commitment of relationship rather than gender). To answer the survey: I'm in my late 20s, and Scott is about the age of my 2nd YF. I find that incredibly funny, that we are in fact potential "loved boys" to each other, Scott to me, me to some of you older posters. I was friends with the boy whom I call my first YF when I was 16, so I suppose you could say I knew I was a boylover since then (I never thought about him sexually though, didn't let myself). Before then my sexual feelings were mainly directly to agemates (although there was one girl was more than five years younger than me, she was a bit of a stunner. And another, now that I think about it.) When I was younger I took befriending kids for granted, throwing them around, playing with them. I would have been shocked to hear someone might be offended by that. Only in the last three or so years have I noticed that society might take a more hysterical view of such friendship, the first incidence of this that I remember was the case of Michael Jackson with that 13yo boy about 3 years ago. But I don't really feel any pressure to stop relating well to children. My faith comes first, came before any serious sexual feelings. As a boy I knew God was there, knew Jesus had died for me, but didn't think much more about it. Just accepted it like that. I started getting serious about my faith in teenage years, indeed you might say my spiritual awakening occurred concurrently with my sexual awakening, over puberty between the ages of 12-14. I suppose Christianity affects my boylove in two ways. First by setting boundaries, "flee for sexual immorality", teaching me that there is such a thing as immorality and I should learn not to get stuck in it. Secondly, by making clear the imperative of loving boys, looking after them and being an example for them. "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..." James 1:27 Christian faith gives me the freedom to be a boylover. F.O.D. |