Sacrifice and Reward
Submitted by Ben on August 07 1999 at 10:17:48
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I wanted to share a bit about how my life is going, because I am struggling with things that perhaps others have struggled with. I also want as many people as possible to realize how incredible life can be when you decide to walk with God. I have prayed daily that God continues to keep the twins in my life and God has answered that prayer. I spend as much time as I want to with the twins. I have a key to the house, come by for dinner, drop by after work to take them for a swim and am as much a part of their family as I want to be. When the parents go out of town, I take care of them. When they go to the beach or out for dinner, I am usually invited. In many ways, this is the life that I have always dreamed of. Having worked with children professionally, I always had that notion that time was short, and that the boys I was working with would move on to another team, or class or whatever. The twins are my family though in many ways now (as are their mom and dad and other siblings) and I never have to fear losing them. I've tried to use this incredible blessing as a foundation for giving up my old life, for not lusting after cute boys on the beach, for not surfing the net for pics (even legal ones) and for trying to avoid masterbation as much as possible. These were all 'drugs' that took away the pain of loneliness. My life has changed dramatically because of what God has done for me. More has happened though: I have also prayed that God bring a woman into my life who already has a son (or three :-). Somewhere in the back of my heart is the ability to be a husband and certainly the ability to be a dad is there already. I've been praying this daily, and have even made a promise to God that if it really can work out, if I really can be a husband and a dad and have my own son and live the life that I've always felt I should live, something that I have always wanted, that I would live my life for God. So, a few weeks ago, they (the single mom and son) came into my life in the most obvious and perfect of ways. God worked a perfect plan. And now I am sitting on the edge, between my old ways, and my old desires and bad habits, and the very blessings that I prayed for. "You have prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You annoint my head with oil, my cup overflows"...Psalm 23 of course. My faith is being tested and I'm scared. You are not alone. 
Ben |