Books on sexuality for kids
Submitted by Heather on August 13 1999 at 23:59:30
In reply to Re:Great advise, thank you so much Submitted by Chris on August 13 1999 at 20:55:31
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Glad to offer advice, because my parents didn't talk to me about sex. Oh, they were prepared to do their duty, but basically they threw a bunch of really soppy books at me – the type that give the impression that sexual love is all about periods and babies and missionary positions – and left it at that. Fortunately, the local public library had some much more detailed books, so when the time came that I was actually interested in the subject – at age seventeen – I simply checked the books out and got the low-down. I wouldn't recommend all of those books; one of them was The Joy of Sex. :) (Though of course if you need some personal brushing up on the subject . . . ) For the basic reproduction facts, you might try locating the PBS documentary The Miracle of Life, which, unlike most reproduction documentaries, goes into what occurs at the man's end – in fact, it even shows an interior shot of the penis inside the vagina at the moment of orgasm. F definitely wouldn't be bored by it. :) England's ITV aired an even more explicit documentary showing the actual act of coupling (my cousins walked into the room when that was being shown and fell instantly silent), but it got censored when it travelled over to this side of the Atlantic. Sheila Kitzinger's Being Born is a beautiful photo essay of the development of unborn babies – it's for young children, but the pictures can be enjoyed by anyone. I don't know how much detail you need to go into with F as far as what actually goes on in bed (it all depends on what stage of interest she's at), and alas I no longer own the book that was of the greatest help to me in this respect. Most of the Christian books on this subject, I'm sorry to report, are of the missionary-position type, while most of the secular books leave out the spiritual aspects of what's going on, so I think you'd probably be best off providing the details on your own (which is admittedly the hardest part of the talk). Just keep in mind the primary rule of such discussions: that you aren't required to answer any questions about yourself. So much for the mechanics, but that's only a small part of sexuality, of course. What you really need to convey – aside from the inevitable talk about sexual diseases and contraception that F will probably get in school anyway – is the tremendous power of sexual love and the attendant responsibilities that come with it. And for that, I think that the only place to go is to drama and literature. You might start at a very mundane level, at television. Does she watch much TV? Because if she does, she has no doubt already run across a lot of sexual jokes and situations – even the programs aired during the "children's hours" are filled with them. Find out what she's learned from that and from her classmates, and start from there. Beyond that, I think the only way to convey what it's like to fall powerfully in love with a person and feel tremendous sexual attraction is to live through the experience, by way of books. Here are some recommendations: The Song of Songs. Can't go wrong with the Bible, right? And it certainly shows what sexual love is like. Le Morte d'Arthur. An impeccable children's classic, and the book that saved me at age seventeen from making a complete fool of myself (as opposed to a very great fool), because it taught me the invaluable lesson that people who are in love do really stupid things. A subtitle for Le Morte d'Arthur could be "One Hundred Ways to Fall Hopelessly in Love, and All the Problems That Arise as a Result." Skim through the unabridged version of it, looking for appropriate tales, or else try Rosemary Sutcliff's retellings of the legends, which are fairly faithful to the original: Tristan and Iseult, The Light Beyond the Rorest, The Sword and the Circle, The Road to Camlann. These stories aren't really about sex per se, but they're about sexual attraction, which is what leads to everything else. Fidelity to one's friends an d one's spouse – even when one falls in love with another person – isn't a popular theme in literature these days, so I recommend going back to older books for that. L. M. Montgomery's Anne's House of Dreams and Emily's QuestAnne of Green Gables and Emily of New Moon – and then keep giving her the other books in the series as she gobbles them up. The series are both readily available in paperback now. Homosexuality – I suppose she isn't old enough for the Symposium? I'm afraid I don't know any young adult books on the subject that I could whole-heartedly recommend. Like many a boylover, I was profoundly affected by Isabelle Holland's The Man Without a Face, but that book is showing its age. Nancy Garden's Annie on My Mind and Lark in the Morning (which are both on lesbianism) are often recommended, but I found the first book boring and haven't read the second. Oh, wait, I do remember a British author I think I can recommend, though I haven't read him for years: David Rees, whose books are described in the link below. In the Tent was my favorite of his books: a Catholic boy falls helplessly in love with a male classmate, only to discover, in a twist of the plot, that a male classmate he despises is in love with him. It's an interesting book in other respects too – it combines a wilderness adventure story with flashbacks to the English Civil War. All of the above books, of course, are pro-gay. There don't seem to be any young adult books written from the conservative point of view on this subject, and many young adult novels that treat this subject are very anti-Christian – almost invariably, the local minister is the villain. All of this assumes that F is the type of girl who will sit still for stories. :) I had to drag my mother into a discussion of sexuality – though she did pretty good at offering advice on contraception – so I can't really offer much advice on how to talk with F. I do think that it's tremendously important to convey that sexuality is more than sexual acts – it's emotions and spirituality and fidelity and a hundred other things. The great problem with most modern stories about sexuality is that they separate sex from all other aspects of life. What F needed to understand, for example, is that she shouldn't have told about what the two boys did, not simply because it touched on sex, but because it was part of the larger issue of family privacy. Likewise, it's much easier to explain the Christian views on lifelong fidelity within sexual relationships if you relate the subject to loyalty in other areas of life. The older books do a better job at this than the newer books. By the way, I doubt that talking with a girl is any different from talking with a boy. I listened in on my mother's talk with my brother, and it didn't sound different from the lecture she gave me. I imagine that the only difference is that, whereas the boy gets told, "You know, it wouldn't be fair for you to risk getting a girl pregnant," the girl gets told, "You know, it wouldn't be fair for you to risk trapping a boy into marriage by getting pregnant." Oh, and when she makes the inevitable protest, "But with contraception, we won't . . ." you might inform her that a college classmate of mine got pregnant when she was on the Pill. Heather |