Go ahead, punk. Make my day.
Submitted by Dirk Gently on October 01 1999 at 00:34:43
In reply to i am a little confused... Submitted by Scott on September 30 1999 at 22:28:54
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Exactly the kind of role model insecure adolescent males don't need. (Dirty Harry, that is -- I'm not questioning you!) I'm afraid I don't have six, or even 12 Steps, for you to follow. I'm not even sure if I understand what you're saying, but I guess I can talk about my own experience and see if anything resonates with you. I have been absolutely enthralled by women for almost as long as I can remember. I mean that quite literally. When all the other kids were claiming that girls were icky, I never said anything different, but I never believed it. My appreciation deepened with puberty but I ended up using my mental images of the girls around me as objects for my self-gratification. Triple Q said, "Love is not love if it is tainted with lust." I think I agree with him, but it depends what we mean by lust. Very few of us are devoid of sexual urges. I am emotionally and sexually attracted to a woman at work, but the fact that she is married with a young son precludes any kind of physical fulfillment. I cannot claim to love her unconditionally, but my sexual attraction to her will only become lust if I allow it to. The instant I start to manipulate an image of her, I have ceased to love the woman. Instead, I have robbed her of her humanity, since in my mind "she" (my image of her) is now an object to be played with. Another danger in "exercising imagination" is that it reinforces egocentrism. If I am accustomed to using images of people as means to a selfish end, it will be much more difficult to relate to the objects of my lust as people when I interact with them in real life. Recognizing these dynamics was a big help in controlling my imagination, and as I have gained control in this respect, I found that I am able to keep my concentration in what would previously have been very distracting circumstances. None of this happened overnight, of course. I believe my inward changes have been possible only by the grace of God, but I also believe that I had to cooperate with Him. Love, the fullness of divine and human love, is always a personal relationship. If we habitually deprive others of their freedom by imprisoning them in our minds' eye, we will find it very difficult to love the actual person. I think this applies to more than just sexuality, too. What is a racist, if not someone who can't see the humanity of someone with differently coloured skin? What is a homophobe? I don't know if you've seen the movie The Crying Game, but I walked out of the theatre weeping. (I wasn't with anyone I knew, so I had that freedom.) I think what touched me so deeply about it was that Fergus was able to see the person in his enemy, and later in a much more difficult situation. In spite of the swearing, violence, and brief nudity, I think this was a very Christian movie, in that it demonstrated unconditional love. Well, like I said when I started babbling, I don't have any answers for your dilemma. All I can offer you is this analysis based on my own experience, and my prayers. Having said that, the men and women who fled into the deserts of Egypt and Palestine beginning in the third century have warned us that temptation never leaves us. We will always struggle. Their collective experience is that a life of regular, disciplined prayer combined with fasting and loving service of your neighbour is a major component in resisting temptation. This applies to all Christians, and not just monastics. Do you have a real-life support network? When Bach told me he was a BLer, he had already come out to some of the people in his church and was meeting regularly with a group. Perhaps some of the others here can talk about their experiences with this sort of thing. I hope you found something helpful here, or at the very least, something thought-provoking. Dirk |