An analogy some BLs don't like
Submitted by Heather on October 13 1999 at 15:36:25
In reply to My answer Submitted by Mark on October 11 1999 at 22:29:20
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"I want to (have to) believe I am a good person. Well, at least as good as anyone else is, subject to imperfections and sin like everyone else. Since sexuality is such an essential part of the way God made us as humans, I cannot reconcile the idea that mine is bad (or a 'predisposition to evil') with the belief that I am acceptable and good. If it is bad, then I have to reject my sexuality and much of my emotional make-up and keep it separate from the rest of myself." Perhaps it would help if you separated out the different issues you're dealing with: 1) Is your sexuality bad? 2) Does a bad sexuality make you bad? 3) Is not acting on your sexuality the same thing as rejecting much of your emotional make-up? I can't remember whether you were around RDC when I brought up an analogy that made half the board scream bloody murder (and the other half of the board shrug and say, "So what?"). But to me it's a valid analogy, because I know someone with this inclination – orientation, if you like – and the issues they face are quite similar to those facing boylovers. So: What if you woke up tomorrow and found that you were a sexual sadist? Well, the first thing that would happen is that you'd visit all of the psychological sites and learn that your condition is considered to be a paraphilia and that people with this condition are urged to enter into therapy. You'd pick up the newspaper and discover tons of articles about rapes and murders committed by sadists. You'd pick up history books and learn that sexual sadism has been ubiquitous throughout history, and that it has not always occurred in the context of rape. At a certain point, sooner or later, you'd discover that there are support groups for sadists. Some are aimed at getting rid of the desires, some are aimed at keeping them in check, and some are aimed at offering support for those who act on their desires. You'd discover that there is a vast network of people who believe that it is all right to practice sadism, as long as you do so with a consensual partner. You'd learn that such people have been persecuted by lawmakers and law enforcement agents, who see no difference between them and rapists. You'd read the stories of hundreds of masochists who say that they enjoyed the experience and received great benefit from it. And sooner or later you'd be forced to face three questions: 1) Is my sexuality bad? 2) Does a bad sexuality make me bad? 3) Is not acting on my sexuality the same thing as rejecting much of my emotional make-up? The answers that my sadistic acquaintance has come up with are Yes, No, and No. He does believe that acting on his sadism, even with a consensual partner, is wrong, because he doesn't believe that the desire to hurt someone, even consensually, is good, nor does he believe that such lovemaking is good for the masochist, even if the masochist should desire it. He doesn't believe that the presence of this sexual desire makes him inherently a bad person, any more than the presence of a tendency to lose one's temper makes anyone inherently a bad person. (It all depends on whether one gives in to the desire.) And he doesn't believe that his decision not to act on his sexuality means that he has rejected the emotional make-up that goes with it. (Believe me, there is an emotional make-up that comes with being a sadist.) He has found ways to use his emotional make-up in a positive manner. You wrote to EnzoMatrix: "I noticed this dramatically [the lowering of craving for fantasizing when one spends time with boys] this past summer when I was counselor at a church camp, living in a cabin with 5 boys, and interacting with them constantly. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I never felt the need to fantasize or masterbate, in spite of the fact that I found one of the boys very attractive." So it doesn't seem to me that I need to be telling you any of the above. Heather |