My answer
Submitted by Mark on October 11 1999 at 22:29:20
In reply to How can BL orientation be good? Submitted by Mark on October 10 1999 at 21:06:46
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Thanks Scott, FOD, and Heather. I found some good insights in what you wrote. When I posted the question, I did have an answer in mind. It is the position I have come to over the past couple years. I just wanted to hear other people's views before I posted mine. I want to (have to) believe I am a good person. Well, at least as good as anyone else is, subject to imperfections and sin like everyone else. Since sexuality is such an essential part of the way God made us as humans, I cannot reconcile the idea that mine is bad (or a "predisposition to evil") with the belief that I am acceptable and good. If it is bad, then I have to reject my sexuality and much of my emotional make-up and keep it separate from the rest of myself. I still have a long way to go to integrate my self-concept. Even though I accept my orientation at an intellectual level, deep down I don't completely--even its non-sexual aspects: I am still afraid to show boys care and love. But at least the process has started. Before it did, I really thought my orientation was monstrous and shameful. It involved in part a desire to do something sexual with a boy, which was inherently harmful and abusive, impossible to do without forcing him. How could I accept as good something that made me want to harm someone? What really propelled me to accept my orientation and therefore myself, was to read websites by boys like Spike (who used to post at BC) and David Alejandro ("Stop Protecting Me"). They wanted and were in sexual relationships with men. I also read posts by people like Adam TBK who were upset that they had not had the sexual relationships with men they wanted as boys. Before reading these kinds of writings (and meeting one of the authors in person), I thought such situations were fictional creations by devious pro-sex BLers. The possibility that such relationships really existed was confirmed when I read books describing gay men's first sexual experiences, a few of which were as boys with significantly older men. As adults, these boys continued to see the experiences not as abusive, because they had sought them and often enjoyed them, and continued to consider them as good. This possibility is borne out by the scientific studies analyzed by Rind, Bauserman, and Tromovich. This does not mean I will have sex with a boy, since there are still other moral concerns. But it does mean that, at least intellectually, I can believe that my orientation is not bad, because it does not involve wanting to hurt a boy. I would like to have sex with a boy without hurting him (in fact I want to love him), in the same way a straight man wants to have sex with a woman but not hurt her (in fact love her). Even though I am uncertain about the morality of man-boy sex where the boy wants it, it became clear to me that the dynamics it involves are very different from those in which a man coerces or manipulates a boy to have sex with him. So I could start seeing myself as good person, rather than a potential molester, in the same way that a straight man can accept his sexuality without thinking he is a rapist. I also have a real desire to be acceptable to society. I feel bad enough when I get a warning for a minor traffic violation, so I can't imagine I could feel good about breaking AOC laws. More importantly, I do not want to risk hurting a boy, and know that in the current atmosphere, he could feel shame for engaging in sex with a man, or his life could be torn apart if someone found out. And maybe most importantly, I would not want to have sex with a boy without thinking that God blessed it. I still think he may intend for sex to be only between two people who are committed to each other for life. Since I am not gay, I don't think I could be committed to a boy in a spouse-type relationship for the rest of my life. So to use Heather's terms, I am socially celibate (believe sex would be wrong in our society but not necessarily inherently bad), but I could become morally celibate (believin g it is inherently wrong). Of course, I resist the latter because it means thinking that my orientation is bad. Sometimes I think that sexuality in general is neither good nor bad--it is just a part of nature--but particular varieties can be adaptive or maladaptive within the context of a society. In our society, the sexual aspect of BL is maladaptive. At any rate, within the position I have come to, I can and do allow myself to fantasize being in a situation where I love a boy completely, including sexually, without guilt or harm to either of us. Mark |